


Cry A Little

by starrynyu



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Abusive Parents, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blow Jobs, Domestic Violence, Drinking, Just lots of feelings, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Smoking, Smut, Unhealthy Relationships, so much smoking, they all deserved to be loved and happy, this is not poly i'm sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:21:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27859758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrynyu/pseuds/starrynyu
Summary: Some realtionships are meant to be and others are simply not.(or the one where jujae are a mess and eric comes to make things more complicated)
Relationships: Lee Jaehyun | Hyunjae/Lee Juyeon, Lee Jaehyun | Hyunjae/Son Youngjae | Eric, Lee Juyeon/Son Youngjae | Eric
Comments: 22
Kudos: 87





	Cry A Little

**Author's Note:**

> to [connah](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Connah),
> 
> thank you for helping me materialise this work, for reading my ideas, for contributing your own, for hyping me up about it even when i wanted to scrap it all and send everything to hell. thanks for being there with me all the way, for keeping me focused and excited to read your reaction. thank you for betaing for me and thank you for being one of the most amazing human beings i've ever met.
> 
> to [stella](https://twitter.com/soluvlly), [britt](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jumilsbish) and [mia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sevngbin),
> 
> thank you for being my moral support, for reading the snippets of this at crazy hours, for helping me with grammar and to see if my ideas made sense and for reading my freak outs at 4 in the morning. you mean the world to me.
> 
> here's the [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5gGocgEa1OzSksnzzUwjyK?si=U2kF5zEcS8unzjDy2lgAnA) for this fic, i highly recommend listening to it <3

_i. I need you to ride me harder when we fuck ‘cause I’m getting numb to the feeling_

“I can’t fucking stand you.”

His statement, drowned in heavy pants, earned him nothing but ruthless laughter. He could feel the smile on Jaehyun’s face, smug and unbearable, and he wanted nothing more than to turn around and wipe it clean with a single swing.

Alas, not an option.

Probably feeling his annoyance, Jaehyun thrusted harder, earning an unexpected moan from the deepest part of Juyeon’s chest. It should’ve given him even more need to punch him but of course it didn’t, making his legs weak instead. The hotness extended all over his skin and he wanted to scream way louder than he was now, losing himself in the sensation and the sound of skin hitting skin, of grunts and soft _ah_ s coming from the other but he was not about to give Jaehyun the satisfaction of knowing he’d gotten to him.

So, instead, he bit on his lower lip, keeping all the moans inside of him and depriving the older from hearing a single one. It would’ve been childish if it had been anyone else but them but Juyeon knew perfectly well that sex was nothing but an elaborate play of power they’ve both gotten better and better at as time went on. 

Jaehyun wasn’t about to give up so easily.

Leaning in, he placed his lips right into the black haired’s right ear before biting down on his ear lobe, making the silence way more difficult to maintain.

“What’s wrong, Ju? You look like you’re having a hard time.”

Each single word was accompanied by a new trust, deep and delicious, right where Jaehyun knew Juyeon liked them the most. The proximity of the older’s accelerated breath to his neck wasn’t helping at all with the black haired’s already weak knees.

“I asked you a question.”

“I heard you perfectly well.”

He’d intended for his tone to be filled with disdain but it turned out to be nothing but a pathetic and useless try, being more of a plea in the end. He cursed himself and Jaehyun laughed again, grabbing at his hips stronger than before.

It was obviously going to bruise and Juyeon was about to tell the other to cut it off when he realised the hard grip was the only thing keeping him standing at this point. 

He’d already lost.

“ _H—hyung._ ”

And he was taking Jaehyun down with him.

The older moaned loudly at that, but Juyeon knew he would. Grabbing at the cold surface of the counter, he pushed deeper into Jaehyun, making both of them go crazy. There was no way he was going to be the only one showing his enjoyment and, even if he hadn’t intended to, he knew that being bold made the other lose his marbles.

Pushing wasn’t enough, even if it felt fucking holy, so he made his own thrust, moving his hips down and back before repeating the progress. Behind him Jaehyun was barely breathing, tightening his hold on his hips but Juyeon could feel his legs starting to shake.

_Got you._

“Hng, Jae, faster.”

“Shut up.”

“I wa—”

“Shut. Up.”

Grinning, Juyeon pouted. If he had been doing it with anyone else, it would’ve been useless, as they wouldn’t have been able to see him. But this was Jaehyun, there was no need for visuals, he would be able to hear it.

“ _Please.”_

The groan was loud and slow as the other climaxed. Juyeon had heard it again and again over the years but it never failed on not only amusing him but also on turning him on even more. It had always been a proof of how far he could push, of how over the edge he could make Jaehyun fall, of, no matter what the other said, how much power he really had.

The blonde let go of his hips, almost making him plummet into the floor before seeming to remember he hadn't just gotten off by himself and that there was another person there, catching him before the hit could happen, hugging him by the waist.

His own erection, hard and triumphant, was proof enough of his victory. He’d made Jaehyun come first with just a few words and as soon as he was done himself, he would not lose the opportunity to rub it all over the older’s face.

Grabbing hard, he managed to regain his balance, even if his legs weren’t exactly excited to help with the task. His ass hurt but he was used to such pain so it didn’t bother him that much.

When he looked over his shoulder, Jaehyun was pulling his jeans back up.

Their eyes met.

“Well, good luck with that.”

“Wha—”

And the blonde turned around and left, disappearing inside his room with a door smack. 

Juyeon calculated, again, how much a lawyer that could earn him a plea of self defence would cost him.

Jaehyun had really left him there, full hard on and useless legs. Juyeon couldn’t walk, less than less get enough strength to jerk off. Grinning through his teeth so hard he was sure he’d broken some, he walked himself to his own bedroom before kneeling, losing all remaining stamina he had left.

Rubbing his eyes, he dragged himself to the bed, picking a pair of boxers from the floor before sliding inside them the best he could.

That fucking asshole was going to pay for this.

“You going out?”

Jaehyun was sat on the dinner table. He’d showered, his wet fringe covering his stupidly intense eyes, and he’d changed into an oversized hoodie that made him look smaller than Juyeon.

They were the exact same height, something both of them loved to bring up when they were fighting. It was childish, like almost everything they said when they fought. Juyeon had never cared much about it, it was useless to. But the older had this obsession for wearing clothes two or three sizes bigger when they were home and the black haired enjoyed fucking him with them on.

“Yeah.”

He grabbed the keys without asking. They’ve been sharing a car for two years now and they never really made a schedule. When Juyeon needed it, he used it and Jaehyun’s only use for it was to go to university when it was either too hot, too cold or raining. It was more Juyeon’s than it was Jaehyun but they had paid half each, so it was theirs. 

Like the apartment. Like the furniture. Like the bills and the taxes. Everything was theirs, half and half. Just like each other.

“Don’t wait up.”

“I wasn’t planning to.”

With a last look at his housemate, who seemed way more invested in the book he was reading than in the situation unfolding in front of him, Juyeon left, taking the stairs instead of the elevator.

They’d been living in this exact apartment since the younger’s first year at university. Jaehyun had told his parents he’d be moving as soon and Juyeon could do it, so he’d waited and they’d moved without another word about it. The hunting for the place hadn’t been complicated for him, as the blonde had taken care of most of it, but he didn’t really mind, he trusted the older’s taste anyways. 

When it came to their Jeep, the same had happened. Jaehyun had a thing for control Juyeon sometimes cared to challenged but that was always in bed, never over what fucking car they should buy.

It smelled like artificial lemon but Juyeon didn’t remember a single time it hadn’t. Jaehyun liked lemon, he didn’t care enough to change it.

He was blasting music from the speakers but he couldn’t really listen to it, cursing himself for not taking an Uber instead so he could get wasted. He needed some alcohol after the bullshit the older had pulled on him earlier. Instead, he lit a cigarette. Jaehyun hated when he smoked in the car, he said it impregnated the seats with the smell of tobacco. Juyeon had never stopped smoking in the car.

Sunwoo had gone to the same high school as the both of them, two years under them, he never got to share the space with Jaehyun, way too old for him. They weren’t exactly friends but since he’d started university two months ago, they’d reconnected. He was a nice person to hang with and Juyeon even liked some of his friends enough to spend a whole party with them.

Parties had been a staple in his life for a very long time. It wasn’t like he enjoyed them, but they usually meant free alcohol and good hook ups, so he never really cared. He went when he felt like it and didn’t when he didn’t. Sunwoo always had a party he could go with, another great reason to have him around.

He hadn’t been to this house before but it wasn’t important. The air was heavy with smoke or even single smell, mixing with led lights, making traversing the first floor way too difficult. Some people greeted him and the black haired didn’t even remember half of them but he greeted back anyways, throwing a few smiles, which surely secured him a good night if he so felt like it after.

Sunwoo and his friends were on the balcony of what he guessed was the main room. Kevin was attractive but he knew better than to mess with his friends’ partners, Chanhee was way too cute for him and Haknyeon had shown no interest in him whatsoever in the past 60 days so Juyeon had discarded him from his options.

After some polite hellos, he grabbed the bottle Sunwoo was downing but stopped himself before taking a sip.

“Driving?” he nodded at the younger. “You should’ve dragged Jaehyun hyung with you.”

“Don’t spoil my night, Sunwoo.”

“Oh, going through a sore spot right now?”

“Sunwoo.”

“Okay, okay, get it,” he did take a deep gulp of his vodka bottle, passing it to his boyfriend before digging into his pocket and automatically tsking. “Where’s Ric?”

“Getting a drink,” Haknyeon said, a joint on his hand. 

“He has my cigarettes.”

Juyeon took his, passing one to Sunwoo without a word and taking one for himself just as quietly. He didn’t know this person they were talking about, which was strange, as he’d gotten to know all of the younger’s friends.

“Ass,” Sunwoo muttered while typing on his phone and taking a drag of his now lit smoke.

Because they were outside, both the mist, lights, music and smells were way less prevalent, leaving Juyeon’s head clearer. He’d come with a clear objective but he suddenly didn’t really felt like it; Jaehyun wasn’t worth that much effort and he’d already had sex that day, even if it had sucked.

Still, there was a part of him that knew perfectly well that there was no way he was leaving this place by himself. He was stubborn and once he’d thought of something, it was quite difficult to get his mind focused on something else.

“Hey, you shit, how about you leave my packet with me if you’re going to be gone for a while?”

“Stop whining.”

Juyeon was very glad he’d come.

Eric introduced himself while looking him up and down but the black haired knew he was doing the exact same thing. He wasn’t short, per se, but he was definitely the shortest out of their group. His silver hair was parted in the middle, revealing a jovial but dangerous face. He was wearing a black shirt and ripped jeans, nothing much, but he was captivating. His ears were pierced all over, silver jewellery hanging from both of them, a tongue ring to match. There was black ink in a lot of places the taller boy could see and he wondered how many he’d get to see later.

The rest of the conversation dwindled, or maybe Juyeon was way too focused on the forms Eric’s mouth made when he talked, the shine of silver escaping every single time. He wasn’t just normal handsome and a primal want awoke inside him. He had to have him.

Because they both smoked, Juyeon asked the younger for some fire, leaning into his personal space as much as he could to light his cigarette, looking straight into those piercing eyes. They weren’t Jaehyun’s but they were equally alluring, tempting him to get lost in them even more than in the sweet sounds Eric would surely make.

“You’re going to drop it, hyung.”

Eric hadn’t asked him if he could address him like that but Juyeon gave exactly zero fucks about that.

“No worries, I’m good with my mouth.”

The younger raised an eyebrow but the corner of his lips curved. “I’m sure you are.”

They laughed at the jokes the others said, pretending to listen to conversation none of them really cared about.

Juyeon had always been good at reading other people. Everyone used to tell him it was a gift, that he’d never be able to get double crossed. He didn’t see it like that. Being able to tell when others were lying was nice in theory but, something, when he needed people to lie to him, to convince him of what they were saying, it all came crashing down.

It was exhausting and it drained him, losing the last safety net that could hold him when reality was too much.

On occasions like this, however, he did consider it a blessing. Because Eric wanted him as much as he wanted Eric and there was no way of hiding it.

When the younger was on his third cigarette, Juyeon leaned in again. The smell of nicotine mixed with his cologne, something woody the older couldn’t exactly put his finger on. It was different from Jaehyun, very much so. It was new and it was exciting. And he wanted it.

“Have we been here long enough to leave?”

Instead of answering, the siloed haired blew the smoke on his face, making him cough thanks to the unexpectedness of it all. Eric didn’t seem at all fazed by that, smiling as he got up.

“You coming or what?”

He wanted to put on some music but the younger hijacked his phone, deciding on it himself. Juyeon didn’t care. None of them talked much about it and the older lit another cigarette.

“You’re going to impregnate the seats.”

Laughter escaped his throat before he could stop it. Maybe this night would turn out even better than he already knew it would.

The only thing that could’ve made the whole ordeal better was if Jaehyun would’ve still been up. But of course he was, Juyeon knew he would be. He’s wearing his glasses, sitting by the table and reading a book.

Their exchange was nothing but a raised eyebrow by Jaehyun and a smirk by Juyeon, enough to make the older lose his mind. He stood up quickly, the sound of the chair leg’s screeching against the floor calling Eric’s attention. The young boy stared at the way taller body from across the space for only a second before Juyeon dragged him inside his bedroom and smacked the door. 

Eric wasn’t surprised when the kiss came, the black haired could feel as much on his lacklustre reaction. 

“I have no intention of walking out of here with a black eye, so if you’re fucking me because you want to piss off your boyfriend, I’m out.”

Juyeon was surprised with the younger’s words. Yes, anyone would have been able to read the anger on Jaehyun’s eyes, he wasn’t stupid enough to think it was only him able to do as such, but Eric hadn’t come across as someone who would worry about that.

“He’s not my boyfriend,” he moved his mouth to the other’s neck.

“And does he know that?”

“What do you think?”

The only answer he got was a deep sigh and, for some reason, it annoyed Juyeon. He’d picked Eric up at the party not only because he wanted to make Jaehyun angry but also because he was just his type. This hook up was theirs, so why did they have to talk about Jaehyun at all? Why did he always find his way inside every single aspect of his life?

“ _Umf.”_

He couldn’t but smirk at Eric’s surprise, hand on his dick and tongue on the spot right between his neck and shoulder

“How about you shut up?”

“You’re very unpleasant, has anyone told you that?”

“We’ll see how unpleasant you find me when I’m buried inside you.”

The laugh coming from the younger mixed with a new groan, producing a sound Juyeon had no problem drowning in. It was exciting and he wanted more of it, louder and faster.

His tongue left a wet line all the way from the other’s neck to his lips, both wetnesses finding each other in a mess of hotness. Eric panted then and Juyeon felt a different kind of power from the one sex always gave him. Jaehyun meant push and pull, it meant winning or losing, it meant making the other theirs by oppression. But right now, Juyeon wanted to make Eric feel pleasure just because and knowing he could make him drunk on it.

Tongue met tongue and steel and there was no stopping his own moan, deep and different and new and from a completely unusual place. 

Smacking the smaller body against the door earned him a not displeased groan and he got to his knees quickly. The view from down there was breathtaking. They were still entirely clothed, not a single button loose on Eric’s shirt, but it was one of the most arousing sights he’d gotten to see in a while. With their new height difference, the other still looked 18 years old, faced flushed and lips swollen. 

“Fuck, you’re gorgeous,” he said to no one, getting to the younger’s zipper just as quickly as he was doing everything else.

When he slipped Eric inside his mouth, hard and hot, he couldn’t help but look up again. He’d arched his back a little, probably to get a better look or maybe just involuntary, and had turned his palm into a fist, biting on his index finger’s knuckle, eyes closed and pink lips beautiful. 

His own hand moved upwards, grabbing the other’s and pulling it out his mouth.

“None of that.”

It looked like Eric was going to say something else so, before he could, Juyeon got him back into his mouth, burying his never spoken words under layers of moans. He’d done this before so when the silver haired tightened his fingers on his black locks, he let loose of his throat, waiting for a thrust that never came.

Eric’s hand was firm but still, leaving Juyeon to lead their encounter. It threw him off balance for a moment but the older didn’t say anything about it, it wasn’t worth it, and instead focused on moving.

The sounds coming from the shorter boy’s mouth were exquisite but he’d been right, there was nothing that could compare to those eyes of his, deep and like they saw it all. Juyeon wanted more of them.

Discarding the jeans and underwear was easy, a swift move of ruffled sounds. Eric didn’t wait for him to be all the way back on his feet to get read of his t-shirt, pressing both palms to his sides and sliding them upwards until they reached his neck, pushing their bodies together into a sloppy kiss.

His bed frame, resting against the wall, made a pretty sound when he pushed both their bodies into it. Both rooms shared this wall and he wondered how much Jaehyun hated him then. 

Eric’s legs were long, pale and thin and Juyeon bit all over them, leaving small red marks.

“You’re kinkier than I thought.”

“I don’t hear you complaining.”

“Who said anything about complaining?” There was a smile underneath his sentence and Juyeon wanted to kiss it out of him. 

So he did.

Watching Eric prepare himself was the highlight of his night. His fingers pushed at a deliciously slow pace at first but it wasn’t long before they were sliding in and out fast, the younger muffling his pleasure by biting down on his tongue. 

The view of his fingers deep inside, drool on the side of his mouth and the tip of his tongue peeking from in between his teeth was almost enough to make Juyeon come then and there.

The bed creaked and the frame smashed against the wall at the same time Juyeon thrusted deeper into Eric. He was being noisier than ever, not just because there was a wall in between him and the other person he would’ve also liked to hear him groan, but because he didn’t need to hide how much he was enjoying it all.

Eric was tight and warm, sucking him in and making him shiver all over. He’d done this a million times before but it never got old and the first time with someone new was always the best, getting to know deep inside their body and dismantle them from top to bottom.

His own orgasm came first but he didn’t care, riding it out and making Eric come only a few seconds later. The last moan was definitely higher than it needed to be but it was his last proof of ‘look how great of a time I’m having without you’.

Collapsing on top of Eric earned him a not so satisfied grunt.

“You’re heavy,” his voice was sleepy and had no real venom behind it.

“Shut it, I wanna sleep.”

“I should get going.”

And the reality was that yes, he should. Juyeon didn’t like sleeping with someone else and he liked waking up to someone else even less. 

It had always been like that—one night stands, empty bed in the morning.

People weren’t usually as nice in the morning as they were inside dark clubs, foggy houses or instagram pictures. Their breath stank, their hair was messy from both the sex and the sleep, their make up all over the place and their faltering clothes looking out of place. It usually also involved having an awkward breakfast, made even worse if Jaehyun was home, which he usually was.

So, the reality was that yes, he should get going.

“Didn’t I tell you to shut it?”

Juyeon hugged Eric and his body felt bigger than he’d imagined in between his arms. The silver haired huffed.

“At least give me something to clean myself with.”

“As you wish, your majesty.”

Jaehyun loathed the day he’d crossed paths with Lee Juyeon today more than ever. His head hurt, pounding at the temples and his bad mood wasn’t exactly helping.

Did he have to be that much of a fucking dick?

Sighing, he slid into a loose shirt and came out, ready to make breakfast and scream to his roommate until he sucked his cock. 

His mood just got worse.

Juyeon liked to fuck around, even if usually he kept that for when he wasn’t around or took his conquest back to their own houses. He usually came across them when he was getting back home himself, sneaking out like they’d be caught by a parent. Jaehyun never gave any of them much thought, other than the fact that Juyeon had either dicked them down or gotten dick.

It never mattered. At the end of the day, only Jaehyun was still around when they were gone.

The boy from last night was standing in his kitchen, fully dressed, with a cigarette between his lips and making something he guessed was breakfast.

He was, by far, the prettiest of Juyeon’s conquests, with long legs and neck, plump lips and straight silver hair.

Jaehyun wanted to punch the smoke clean out his mouth.

His glare must have been felt because he turned around. Last night, he’d gotten only a passing look but now, he froze. His eyes, brown so deep they seemed black, were penetrating inside his heart, looking at him like there was nothing more to do on the planet. That made his legs shake and Jaehyun couldn’t tell why.

He looked away first.

_Why are you here? Why weren’t you kicked out last night like everyone else? Did he really let you sleep on his bed?_

“Stop smoking inside.”

“Oh, sorry,” his voice was quite high and jovial like his face but it had a tone to it Jaehyun could pinpoint. “Juyeon hyung said it was okay?”

“Do whatever you want then.”

Jaehyun also smoked but, unlike his roommate, he kept it mostly to their balcony, not wanting to wake up to the smell of tobacco everywhere. Watching the other boy doing it almost compelled him to light his own cigarette but decided against it, instead sitting down on the table and grabbing the book he’d left there last night.

He should’ve known better. He should’ve stayed put. He shouldn’t have gone to his room. He should’ve gone right back out when he realised how much of the shit going on he could hear.

But he hadn’t done any of that, because he was a fucking asshole. 

Juyeon never sounded like that when they fucked, he barely sounded like anything at all. It had startled him so much, he’d sat down on his bed, looking at the floor and listening like a creep.

He knew that was exactly what the black haired wanted, to piss him off, but he couldn’t help it. He wondered when was the last time he’d heard Juyeon so free, moaning and whimpering and enjoying himself.

Staring back, he focused on Eric. He was gorgeous, no doubt there, so maybe fucking him felt pretty good.

The image flashed through his mind then. Pink lips opened, drool coming from the sides, tongue pink and silver, eyes half open, fair skin marked with red, purple, green and black, hair a mess, legs spread, wet and sweet and hot and so, so loud. 

Laughing without intent, the blonde messed with his hair, looking away for a second before looking back at the boy.

Those eyes were on him again, hand about to grab for his cigarette, finger already around it but not pressing, as if someone had stopped time. Brown met brown and none of them said anything at all. Jaehyun almost wondered if Eric could read his mind and catch him red handed thinking about making him scream. There was no way, of course, but that brought such thoughts back to the front of his mind.

His glance moved down, checking out the other’s exposed chest, how loose the shirt fit his shoulders, how tight his jeans were.

Stopping himself meant either looking somewhere else, which would surely give him away, or looking back into those deep eyes and humiliate himself even further.

Except Eric was doing exactly the same shit he was doing, focusing on his arms first and on his bare legs after. He wasn’t wearing pants, which would have exposed him had his shirt been any shorter. 

It took the silver haired a moment to stare back at his face but none of them said anything even then. The air was heavy and Jaehyun felt a single word could pop whatever they were brewing. 

Juyeon did that for them.

He slid an arm over Eric’s shoulder, breaking his concentration and making him look over at him instead, blinking.

“Morning.”

The black haired wasn’t looking at the boy to his side however, focusing on Jaehyun, smirk way too bright for this early in the morning. He knew he’d probably been caught but he didn’t care, he could stare all he wanted.

“I made some pancakes.”

“Thanks Ric, you’re the best,” placing a kiss on the other’s neck, Juyeon took the cigarette from his mouth and walked over to the fridge. 

It was the worst breakfast Jaehyun had ever lived through. The only person that seemed to be enjoying it was Juyeon, smiling and talking like it wasn’t incredibly awkward. Eric, on his end, didn’t look exactly uncomfortable either, more like bored. He answered everything Juyeon asked him, showing Jaehyun they had probably talked for five minutes before getting home last night.

Eric was a freshman in their university, he studied biochemistry, he knew Sunwoo because he knew Kevin, he had gotten his first tattoo at age 16 and his first piercing at age 14. 

Jaehyun didn’t care about any of this but he couldn’t help but listen. The younger’s voice was pretty monotone, as if going over a script, but maybe that was just the way he always talked. They were nothing but insignificant details about someone he’d most likely never see again but his mind couldn't help but store them somewhere. 

It was already 2pm when the silver haired left and Jaehyun had sorted out his mind on how to reach it when it was just the two of them.

“Liked what you saw?”

He’d guessed his housemate would go straight to last night, rub on his face how good of a lay he’d scored and how he must know all about it. Because that’s just who Juyeon was.

“He’s alright. Thought you liked older guys?”

“Maybe it’s time for a change.”

Giving the black haired a shrug, he disappeared back inside his room.

Juyeon didn’t follow. He wasn’t expecting him to. He was going to let it all sink in and stir inside Jaehyun’s heart like an atom about to be separated. He was going to patiently wait for the explosion, probably anticipating it even before Jaehyun knew it was there. He was going to laugh on his face, reminding him how pathetic he was. He was going to lick those pink lips of his and probably fuck him. They were never going to talk about Eric again.

Except Jaehyun wasn’t going to explode. 

Had they been in this situation as soon as he opened his eyes, he would surely have, he was too idiotic for his own good sometimes and he’d have fallen right into the other’s trap. But hours had gone by and he’d manage to keep his feelings in check.

He’s also managed to stare at Eric for most of them, so he didn't mind that much.

Sighing, he threw himself face first into his pillow, thinking sleep was probably better than having to think about what was going on. 

_ii. When he pulled me by the hand and took me home, I just knew that I'd be better on my own_

Classes were loud in their silence, but they always were. Eric’s brain tried its best to stay focused on what was being said or shown but with so little sound, there was no way it would manage. 

It wandered everywhere, from his breakfast to the red marks on his neck and inner thighs. Juyeon was more than attractive and their encounter had been more than a little fun, but Eric was sure he didn’t want to see him again. He didn’t exactly care about being a rebound, he didn’t exactly care about Juyeon at all, but whatever weird shit he and his boyfriend were going though wasn’t something he wanted in on.

There had been something about Jaehyun the younger hadn’t been able to crack. While the black haired wasn’t exactly hard to read, his intentions clear on both his eyes and his actions, his housemate was a completely different story. It intrigued him to no end but not enough to get entangled on whatever this was.

The class, Physics I, kept going on in the background, unable to recapture his attention for another 20 minutes before he was free to meet his friends and eat.

Sunwoo and Kevin hadn’t been dating that long but it was long enough for their friend groups to mingle. Chanhee was chatting about something with Haknyeon, Changmin nowhere in sight.

He sat next to his best friend, who gave him nothing but an eyebrow raise. His boyfriend, however, wasn’t as subtle. 

“Enjoyed your weekend?”

“You know the answer to that question, Sunwoo, so why are you asking?”

“I can’t believe you scored him in like, 3 seconds. Chanhee has been trying to fuck him since February.”

Something similar to guilt blurred his glance but the pink haired shook his head, letting him know he didn’t really care that much.

“I didn’t exactly do much, he just wanted to fuck.”

“Was it good?”

“Jaehyun.” he said instead, ignoring him. “You think he’s going to punch me?”

Kevin was the one shaking his head this time. “I doubt it.”

“I don’t,” Haknyeon added. 

Eric shrugged. “Someone punch him back if he does.”

“Sorry, no way.”

“Thanks Sunwoo, good to know you’re such a good friend.”

“You were the one fucking his boyfriend, deal with it.”

“Yeah, a heads up about that would have been appreciated. Being glared at first thing in the morning wasn’t exactly pleasant.”

“Ignore them. They’re not dating Ric, you can do whatever you want with him.”

“I don’t plan to, but thanks anyways.”

And really, Eric had really planned to stay out of it.

But then Thursday came and Juyeon with it, waiting for him outside his building. His all black assemble matched with his dark hair, a raven lost inside a rainbow.

Eric raised an eyebrow as a hello.

“Happy to see you too.”

“What do you want?”

“You, what else?”

The encounter had ended up with him going down on the older in the closest bathroom, Juyeon’s grip tight on his silver locks, pushing and pulling at his head until he relaxed his throat and let the other fuck his mouth. It had been fast and a blur, nothing Eric could exactly pinpoint back to fondly, but it had been good, he had enjoyed it.

It hadn’t been special, it hadn’t even been something new, but it had been good enough. Eric never waited or hoped for special, he knew better. 

He also knew that the promises he made himself were always useless in the end, because no one could disappoint him better than he could disappoint himself. 

His bedroom had been white for over 10 years. He’d first decided to paint it plain so he could put up posters and they wouldn’t get lost in the background. As he grew older, the decorations started to disappear one by one, letting him staring at nothing but a blank wall.

His window was wooden, the only darkness cutting through all the light. It was reassuring.

Smoking out here gave him a sense of security he never thought heights would be able to provide him with. Cigarette butts were scattered all over the red roof tiles, showing him how much he’d been coming here throughout his life. 

The moon was big in the sky and he almost wished he could turn every single light off, leaving the illumination of the pathetic scene to nothing but the distant satellite. He exhaled the smoke slowly, watching it dissipate in the air and hitting him on the chest, leaving behind the smell his mother hated the most. 

Somewhere downstairs, she was screaming. It could be about the dishes, it could be about a broken glass, it could be about how much of a disappointment both him and Yuri were. In the end, it didn’t really matter because it never actually did. She would scream until she got tired or she got a punch to his face. Yuri knew better than to go near her by now so Eric saved himself most of the beatings by staying put, mostly out there, where he could muffle it all out the best under the tobacco smell. 

His phone buzzed. It was Juyeon.

_what are you doing_

**_smoking_ **

_you smoke more than me_

He didn’t have anything to say to that so he didn’t, looking back up the sky. He also had no idea what Juyeon wanted. It was obvious there was something between him and Jaehyun and Eric had guessed he was nothing but a means to make Jaehyun jealous, an act of defiance, but his constant texting and showing up out of nowhere were throwing him off the loop.

In just a week, he’d seen him three times without counting that night in his apartment. Two of them had been nothing but a coffee and laying on the campus grounds, studying. That was what threw him off the most. He guessed Juyeon wanted to keep annoying his housemate with him, so why not bring him over? 

After thinking it over, he’d realised Kevin was right. Juyeon had said they weren’t dating, so he could do whatever he wanted. If he got punched, it wouldn’t be something he wasn’t used to. This time, though, he would be able to punch back.

His phone buzzed again.

_do you want to come over?_

**_why?_ **

_why not?_

He couldn’t find an answer to that question so he got to his feet, crawling back in and listening carefully. The voice was gone and he’d been too distracted to hear for footsteps.

Risking it was the wrong choice.

She was watching tv but it took her seconds to jump to her feet and start screaming again. Eric knew better than looking like he wasn’t listening but his mind was running away like he couldn’t wait, thinking about Juyeon’s wet tongue on his neck.

The punch came without a warning or maybe he was way too out of it to notice the usual signs. Eric stumbled back a bit and she simply stared, calling him a waste of air and going back to her usual spot on the couch.

It didn’t hurt as much as she wished it had but it hurt way more than he wished it would. 

The walk down the calm Seoul streets gave him enough time to realise this was exactly what he had mentally accused Juyeon of wanting him for and how he should’ve stayed put, saving himself all the struggles of actually getting to his apartment.

But he hadn’t and he knew he wouldn’t have. Juyeon was warm in a way he hadn’t experienced in a long time. All human contact was nice, even if brief, but the older liked to hold him, even in the smallest of ways—a hand grab, a pet on the back, fingers brushing against his neck. It was nice.

It was only when he knocked that he remembered his phone had buzzed again.

_i’m going to get us a vodka bottle, jae will let you in_

Jaehyun didn’t seem happy to see him and Eric couldn’t blame him.

He wasn’t happy to see the older either and it had nothing to do with Juyeon. The uneasy feeling he created on his stomach was back the second they stared at each other and maybe he was starting to regret his decision of showing up.

The place looked exactly like it had when he’d come for the first time: tidy and impersonal. He wondered how long they’d lived there but didn’t ask, he didn’t really care.

He let himself in, he knew better than waiting for the blonde to invite him. Jaehyun was taller than him and seemed taller than Juyeon even though he wasn’t.

Eric didn’t know what to do with himself, so he just stared at the dinner table where he’d lay eyes on Jaehyun for the first time. He’s been tired, the heat of another person’s body way too alien for him to get a wink of sleep but enjoyable enough so to not simply stand up and leave.

“Sit down.”

He did as he was told, not wanting to have left a treacherous environment for another. Still, he didn’t dare look at the blonde, scared of something, he himself was not sure what. There was movement, steps and then a door opening and closing. Loneliness wasn’t something that annoyed him that much, he was used to it and he hadn’t really expected for the other to stay.

He hadn’t expected him to come back, either.

His mind immediately turned on survivor mode, jumping up the chair and ready to defend his face. At 18 years old, he knew perfectly well that protecting himself only made the aggressor angrier but it wasn’t exactly something he could just turn off.

Jaehyun raised an eyebrow. “Thought I told you to sit.”

He was carrying a small plastic bottle, an equally small box and some cotton. Eric sat down again and the blonde dragged a chair until they were a few centimetres apart. 

The cotton was cold and wet thanks to the peroxide and it stunk but he stayed quiet and put, trying for exactly two seconds to not focus on the face in front of him. From this up close, it felt as he could see right through Jaehyun’s façade, his stare the softest he’d seen it so far, his lips slightly parted as he bit his tongue in concentration, his fair skin not exactly perfect, his blonde hair starting to show some brown in the roots. There was something about him Eric wasn’t sure he wanted to understand.

It was only after putting the band aids on that Jaehyun looked back at him. It gave Eric a sense of deja vú. Whatever had happened between them last time was happening again, almost palpable in the air surrounding them and in the small space keeping them apart. 

Jaehyun’s fingers pressed lightly on his bandaged cheek.

“Keep him out of your business,” his voice was as soft as his stare and his touch. 

Eric nodded but could help buy yearn for the other's tiny caress to be something more, something longer, something bigger. 

This time, when the door closed, Jaehyun stayed gone.

The tight grip on his hip made him moan out loud, the sweet sensation on Juyeon ramming into him sending shivers all the way through his body. His knees rested against the soft cotton, making the whole experience a little surreal. The sheets back in his house weren’t this soft, they weren’t pleasant and they didn’t make Eric ache for sleep. 

“You’re somewhere else.” Juyeon’s voice was tinted with lust, deeper than usual.

“I’m no—”

A thrust cut his answer, leaving it lingering on his dry mouth. It feel good, beyond good, but the best thing about sex was that it cut through his thoughts, it left his mind blank and his desires in control. 

Eric’s life was easier when he had sex.

And Juyeon was fucking good at it too.

It didn’t take long for his orgasm to hit, his own grip pushing him over the edge with fast pumps. The moment wasn’t long, it was composed for a few seconds at best, but it was the best of the whole experience. Bliss blinded him, leaving him empty and full at the same time.

Juyeon’s loud groan when he came was also nice to hear.

This time, the black haired had brought a towel beforehand, making it easier for him to get clean. It was beyond late at this point, but the darkness of the night felt comforting. He was used to all this.

A click made him look away from the dirty cloth. Juyeon was sitting down, back resting against the headboard, cigarette in between his lips. Even if he was seeing way more of him lately, it still surprised him how handsome he was. His features were strong: a sharp nose, defined lips, striking eyes.

“You’re staring.”

“Is remarking the obvious a habit of yours, hyung?”

“Stay.”

He answered only when his head had gone through the hole on his shirt. “Why?”

“Because I want you to,” he shrugged. “And you want to, too.”

It wasn’t precisely a lie. Eric didn’t want to stay here, he just didn’t want to be back home. Juyeon was a warmth he didn’t mind experiencing.

Now he was the one shrugging, but he slid his underwear back on. “I’m going to the bathroom.”

“The vodka’s on the table.”

Jaehyun was nowhere to be seen and Eric was able to go in and out the bathroom without being stabbed by his glare or being driven mad by his pretty eyes. The mirror showed him a boy with silver hair and a band aid but he didn’t feel like that boy at all right then.

He didn’t bother grabbing glasses, drinking directly from the bottle as soon as he crossed into Juyeon’s bedroom again. The older boy was still naked and Eric wondered how much he could see of that skin before getting told to fuck off.

“Who was it?” 

Eric brushed a finger against his covered wound. He wasn’t sure if Juyeon meant the injury or the care but he didn’t want to tell him either. 

When he took the other side of the bed, Juyeon passed him a cigarette. His were normal, Eric’s were menthol. Both were Marlboro. Red versus teal. Juyeon grabbed the vodka instead.

“When did you start smoking?”

He surprised himself with the question and Juyeon wasn’t far behind.

“I was 16, I think.”

“That’s young. How did you get them?”

“Jaehyun’s brother bought them for us, I think we might’ve blackmailed him or something.”

This was way more information than he had intended on getting. If they’ve known each other so long, how the fuck had they managed to stay like they were?

“You like him?”

“He makes me uneasy,” the silver haired said.

“Oh, sincerity; what did I do to deserve it?”

Eric blew the smoke on the other’s face, trying his best to shut him up. He didn’t know either, where it had come from, but it was harmless enough. Maybe it was the fuzzy moonlight coming through the shutters, maybe it was the soft mattress or maybe it was the knowledge he’ll be waking up to Juyeon’s face in a few hours or maybe it was all of that, but it gave him a hint of comfort he wasn’t used to.

“Do you like him?”

Juyeon blew his smoke the other way. He was hugging his knees so when he rested a cheek on one of them, his eyes looked up at the silver haired.

“Who knows.”

Days were starting to bleed together inside Jaehyun’s mind, none of them leaving any particular impression. His mother called every Friday and that was the only indication he had of which day of the week he was standing.

Classes were nothing special, a mixture of words and images he knew he wouldn't remember only a few hours after they were done. He studied at home, the annoying mumble or Juyeon’s laptop reaching him through the thin walls. 

Juyeon fucked him one night they had fought about something he couldn’t even remember. There were normal words and then the tone rose, they were screaming and cursing at each other and he felt back in familiar territory. When the first kiss came, Juyeon tasted like someone else. It set a fire on the pit of his stomach. 

Their bodies stumbled all the way to his bedroom, a mess of legs and drool and screams and curses. He wanted to get every single last feeling out of him, he wanted to be left blank.

Hands were on zippers and buttons, tongues against skin, teeth sinking in and marking. Juyeon had a big hickey on the left side of his neck and Jaehyun licked over it before biting hard. It caused the black haired to groan but he said nothing, still working on getting him naked. He sucked hard, all the anger he felt bubbling underneath his skin getting out. When he pulled away, there was a new bruise over the last one and it should’ve felt like he won.

It didn’t.

He sat on the bed with a loud thud. Resting his body on his extended arms, he looked down at his own erection before focusing on Juyeon’s instead. His dick was thick and Jaehyun wondered if he’d fucked Eric with it just like he fucked him.

When their eyes met, there was nothing but fire on the black haired’s, lust and anger mixing on nothing but a usual sight. He couldn’t but lick his lower lip in anticipation.

They had started having sex before they had started being friends. Now, the friendship was gone but the sex remained.

Juyeon took the lube before he could. His fingers, cold from the gel, slid in him without mercy but still carefully. No matter how angry they were, they had never disregarded safety. The sound of Eric’s moans slid back to the front of his mind and, to his disgust, it made the whole thing feel even better.

It didn’t take long until Juyeon was driving into him, fast and with no warning. He wanted to groan, loud and clear, but he didn’t. His housemate was just as quiet, small grunt noises the only indication of any pleasure. Jaehyun’s mind filled the silence with the muffle sound he’d hear during the past two weeks, intending to fit Juyeon’s like a puzzle. Instead, his brain couldn’t but recall Eric’s, deliciously weak through the concrete.

He came first but Juyeon followed soon after, making the loudest groan of their encounter. He was panting and sweating, his fringe sticking to his forehead. Jaehyun didn’t know how long it had taken them to come, probably not much.

Despair came in place of peace. Every feeling he’d wanted to get rid off was still there, creeping at him from inside his chest. This didn’t happen. They had sex and they were gone, it had always been like that.

Juyeon’s face told him anger had not ceased for him either.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“That’s my line, asshole.”

There was no venom behind either of their words. Jaehyun didn’t know how to handle that.

The blonde grabbed the other by the neck, pushing their mouths together. Juyeon reciprocated, biting him on the lower lip before sliding his tongue inside. They hadn’t kissed in a very long time, he couldn’t even remember when that had been. Kissing was too intimate, too personal, too filled with unsaid words.

Their kisses had never been like those described in movies or books. They were never soft, they were never hiding smiles. From the start, their kisses had been bold and intentional, given only when they meant something else, but never feelings.

This kiss was a test none of them knew what for. Familiarity? Power? Some kind of strange comfort?

It gave them none of that.

Jaehyun was the first to pull away, pushing Juyeon back by the chest. The desperation was palpable in the air as well as in their eyes.

“Get out.”

“I don’t care what the hell is going on with you but you better fucking fix it.”

“Who said it’s me?”

Juyeon scoffed, getting his jeans back on. “Who else?”

“I’m not the one fucking with someone else every other day.”

The black haired didn’t spare him a second glance, getting out and smacking the door behind him. Jaehyun was sweating, feeling the water pool from his skin and running down his forehead. 

He didn’t know what this was but he had an itch on how to confirm it.

Kevin raised an eyebrow at him, his way of asking what on Earth he was doing there. Jaehyun shrugged. Yes, outdoor pubs weren’t exactly his scene but it wasn’t as if he hadn’t been to one in that long, they were definitely better than disgusting house parties. 

“Eric?”

“What do you need from him?” Changmin’s tone was bored but there was something underneath it Jaehyun didn’t like: a warning.

“I want to talk.”

The younger boy nodded to his right, indicating a spot behind him. 

Eric was smoking, resting his hips on the railing. His other hand was holding both his signature teal package and a beer bottle. He wasn’t wearing anything too flashy, ripped jeans, a white shirt and a sweater vest, but he looked stunning.

The blonde took the cigarette out of his mouth and slipped it in his. It was a little wet and it tasted like cheap beer.

With a glance, Eric grabbed another smoke from the box and lit it after taking a sip from his cup. Under the silver moonlight, his hair seemed almost white and Jaehyun caught sight of darker highlights. The blonde avoided the younger’s eyes, not ready to get lost on them before he could say what he’d come to say.

“You’re tall,” Eric tapped his cigarette on the steel railing, the ash disappearing into the sidewalk a floor down. “You’re the same height as Juyeon hyung but, for some reason, you look bigger.”

He didn’t know what to say to that.

“You’re strange.”

“Not the first time I’ve heard that,” he exhaled his smoke slowly and the blonde got caught up on his lips. They’d probably taste like the same cheap beer and tobacco but what else? He suddenly really wanted to know. 

“Do you like him?”

“And what if I do?”

The silver haired had turned entirely to him and there was no running away from those eyes that made Jaehyun shiver. They were staring at him like there was nothing else in the entire world, like they weren’t in a pub with another 100 people, it was just the two of them, their gazes and their lips. 

Jaehyun thought Eric was going to kiss him.

Instead, the younger grabbed his neck and pulled him down until they were nothing but a few centimetres from each other. There was no use in blinking, there was no escape now and, even if it had been, Jaehyun wouldn’t have wanted it. 

Eric used his index finger to drag his bottom lip down, opening his mouth. The touch lingered long after it was gone. His small hand grabbed at the blonde’s chin and Jaehyun breathed in the little air separating them. Cheap beer, tobacco, mint toothpaste and some type of candy he couldn’t put his finger on.

When the silver haired blew the smoke inside his mouth, every flavour intensified. It lacked the wetness but it wasn’t that far from what he’d wanted. He blew the smoke out of his nose instead.

There was no longer a reason for them to be this close but Eric didn’t pull away, moving his finger back to his mouth and pinching a little. A bite without a bite. They both blinked.

As soon as the younger finally pulled away, Jaehyun ashed his forgotten cigarette before putting it in between his lips. He didn’t want to let go of the taste but he needed to keep his mouth preoccupied before doing something else.

“You’re strange.”

He chuckled at the other’s chosen words. “Yeah, I guess I am.”

“I don’t,” Eric shrugged. “I have no plans of dating Juyeon.”

With that, he stepped on his smoke, not even halfway done, and disappeared back to his friends.

Eric hadn’t said anything like ‘but you do’ or ‘he’s yours’ because he knew none of those statements were true. Jaehyun didn’t like Juyeon and the black haired wasn’t his, just like Juyeon didn’t like him and he wasn’t his. The feelings in his chest weren’t jealousy, or at least he wasn’t envious of what he guessed he should have been envious of.

He didn’t care that Juyeon was having sex with someone else, what he hated was that he enjoyed it, that he was loud and expressive. He hated that Juyeon gave Eric something he’d never given him, it made his blood boil. But thinking about Eric having sex with him gave him a completely different feeling of resentment.

The cigarette ran out faster than he’d wanted it too. Without it, he had no choice but to think. Jaehyun hated thinking, because it meant confronting all the things he didn’t want to confront, because it meant feeling all the things he didn’t want to feel.

Because when he thought, Jaehyun always came to the same conclusion. 

That he should leave. That he should go to someone that didn’t make him miserable and that he ruined his life for. That this wasn’t good for either of them.

But in the end, it was always useless. In the end, he dragged himself back to the apartment, cold and dark, where Juyeon was waiting for him. 

He kissed him again. The black haired was definitely surprised but didn’t push away, engaging on it as much as he was trying to. All Jaehyun could think about was erasing the taste of Eric from his mind.

There was no use in longing for something he knew he couldn’t have. 

_Intermission. Oh, mon amour, you know you're not the one who can make me stay_

When he was younger, Juyeon used to believe everything would turn out just like he wanted it to.

He was 16 years old, sitting in his backyard. His father was working and he was bored. Days were always like this: uneventful. The hot air was sticky and unbreathable and he fucking hated summer more than he hated anything else. 

He’d stolen the bourbon his father kept in his office. The action was going to earn him quite the sermon but Juyeon would be too drunk to remember a single world of it.

There were noises next doors and he couldn’t remember if someone had mentioned anything about a move, the alcohol already clouding his mind. Still, it wasn’t as if he cared. People came and went from the neighbourhood and he must have exchanged 20 words with the previous tenant.

The loud music caught his attention. 

The two residences were divided by nothing but a high wooden fence, which meant no privacy at all. The old neighbour, a middle age woman, didn’t care about it all, sunbathing as if Juyeon was interested.

Juyeon wasn’t interested. In her or any other woman for that matter. 

He looked for the song on his phone. It was a british rock band he’d never heard about but the name was easy enough to pronounce.

Standing came with a wiggle and he blinked a few times, trying his best to clear the blurriness from the bourbon. It didn’t work but he didn’t really care as long as he could make it to the fence. 

Resting an elbow against it, he looked at the other backyard. There were two tall bodies by the pool, one with very dark black hair and the other with lighter brown. They were chatting over the music but Juyeon couldn’t hear them from where he was.

“Some people take naps, you know?”

Both heads turned to him before the light haired grabbed his phone and stopped the music.

“At 2pm?”

Oh, was it 2pm? Juyeon looked down at his wrist and shrugged. “At 2pm.”

Light haired guy stood and walked over to him, stopping a few centimetres from his face. Juyeon swallowed, stunned. He was gorgeous, with a perfectly proportioned face, soft looking eyes and a charming smile the boy thought was about to make him fall. Maybe that last one had been the alcohol but he didn’t care.

“Some people also drink at 2pm, apparently.”

His tone wasn’t malicious, not even his smile had dropped, but Juyeon blushed anyways, turning around to leave.

“Hey, I was joking! I was having a beer myself so I’m not one to judge, you know.”

The turn had left him dizzy so he stayed put for a few seconds before looking back at the other. He just knew he was older than him.

“Juyeon.”

“I’m Sangyeon and that over there,” he pointed behind him at the other boy, “is my brother, Jaehyun.”

Juyeon waved at the other, who spared him nothing but a glance and a nod.

Directly in front of him, Sangyeon was looking, still smiling, and Juyeon knew he wanted way more to do with this neighbour than with the last one. 

Jaehyun was a year older than him but they still went to the same school, which meant they drove there together. Sometimes it was Juyeon’s turn to do so, with silent trips that none of them cared to fill, listening to whatever was on the radio. Juyeon wasn’t the biggest fan of those days.

Other times, it was Jaehyun’s turn but because they only had two cars, Sangyeon ended up riding them there. He was energetic and not the biggest fan of silence, which meant he rambled on and on until they were in school. Juyeon answered him only when he was asked something or when the conversation changed to something he had interest in but, the rest of the time, he just looked at him. Jaehyun barely talked at all. Juyeon was the biggest fan of those days.

It didn’t take Jaehyun long to realise what was going on but it wasn’t exactly like Juyeon was hiding it.

“He has a boyfriend.”

It was one of those mornings in his car. 

Juyeon raised an eyebrow at him. “Excuse me?”

“Sangyeon has a boyfriend, him and Jacob have been together since before he entered university and they’re planning to move in together next year.”

“Good for him?”

Jaehyun shook his head. “So don’t try anything, you’ll only get yourself hurt.”

He huffed at that. “If you want to fuck me you just have to say it.”

“You wish.”

Jacob was nice, very nice actually. Sangyeon seemed way happier than normal when he was around and they complemented each other. Juyeon hadn’t lied, he didn’t really care that much. It was the first time he liked someone this much but that didn’t mean he wanted something with him. Relationships didn’t usually end well for him so not having one was better than losing it.

Or that’s what he liked to tell himself.

They were enjoying the pool at night and Jaehyun had gone to sleep around half an hour ago. He’d offered to leave so the couple could enjoy themselves but Sangyeon had insisted on keeping him around, telling him he enjoyed his company.

And the reality was that Juyeon wanted to stay, he wanted to convince himself that those words meant way more than they did, he wanted to read under the lines and pretend Jacob wasn’t there. 

But he knew better. So he stayed because seeing them with each other helped him clear out his mind the image that maybe, if he waited, if he was nice, if he made him laugh, Sangyeon would pick him.

30 minutes was his limit. Excusing himself to the bathroom, he thought about going back to his dark house where no one was waiting for him and, instead, climbed the stairs.

He didn’t know why. Jaehyun looked up at him and raised an eyebrow but said nothing, giving him a free in. The black haired sat on his window, looking up at the sky. He was pretty, with an almost perfect face and curly hair. 

“What do you want?”

Juyeon took a seat next to him, looking outside.

“I could use a cigarette right now.”

“Didn’t know you smoked.”

“I don’t.”

The silence between them was uncomfortable like it always was.

“What do you want, Juyeon?”

“I want you to kiss me.”

It was wrong on so many levels, Juyeon should’ve been ashamed of himself. But he knew better than anyone else how shit of a person he could be.

Jaehyun didn’t say anything to that, he didn’t even look at him. He knew the younger knew how he felt, just like he knew how the younger felt towards his brother. It was more of a test than anything else, Juyeon concluded. None of them wanted to be alone, he could tell that much from how little he knew the other.

In the corner of his eyes, he caught the older’s movement. It was slow, as if he was giving himself the chance to think it over better and giving Juyeon the chance to say he was just joking. He wasn’t just joking so he stayed put, looking outside.

Jaehyun’s hands were smaller than his but they were still big when they rested against his hot cheek. The older didn’t have to move him, he did it himself, connecting their lost eyes in the process. There was nothing tender and soft like he’d seen on the couple downstairs. Curiosity and longing, that there was, but nothing more, nothing deeper, nothing too dangerous. 

He leaned in first. Lip met lip, breaths were cut and bodies turned warmer. It wasn’t his first kiss and he could tell it wasn’t Jaehyun’s either. It was nice but, even better, it was hot. Tongues started moving, slipping into the other’s mouth and living behind a trail of lust. Juyeon liked it.

“We should do this again,” he panted.

For the first time, Jaehyun smiled at him. “Sure.”

_iii. You keep making it harder to stay but I still can’t run away_

When his phone buzzed this time, Eric didn’t bother unlocking it, grunting and focusing on the piece of paper in front of him instead. He read for a while but made no attempt at solving anything, the exercises looking back at him almost mockingly. 

It was in moments like these that he wondered why the fuck he’d decided to study biochemistry. He’d known beforehand that the first year was going to be a pain but that didn’t actually make it any more bearable.

Resting his cheek against the wooden table, he wondered how long he could put this off without it affecting his grades. ‘Not much’ was the answer.

“Ghosting me already, I see.”

Juyeon entered his line of sight when he bent sideways, his fringe getting out the way and showing his pretty features. 

Eric rolled his eyes but sat back normally. “Some of us actually do our homework, hyung.”

“Oh yeah, I see you doing a lot.”

The silver haired took a cigarette but wasn’t fast enough to do the same with his lighter. Instead, Juyeon leaned in with his own, lighting it for him. They’d been this close on multiple occasions, most of those without any clothes on, but it still made the younger flush, he could feel the blood running to his face.

“Thanks.”

The black haired said nothing, instead dragging the paper and stealing Eric’s pencil. It was the first time in almost a month he’d known the older that he looked like an actual university student. It was unsettling, breaking with Eric’s image of him as nothing more than strong eyes in the night.

“What are you doing?”

“You do remember I’m studying systems engineering, right?

Of course Eric remembered. Juyeon had told him once after buying him a coffee. The younger had wondered how he was always this close to his building, so he’d told him about his major. Somehow, it didn’t suit Juyeon at all and at the same time suited him perfectly. 

The black haired wasn’t something Eric could crack and understand. He was different from anyone else he’d even been involved with. Action after action, he left him lost and perplexed. One day he’d come pick him up at school and have a pseudo picnic with him, the other he would fuck him against the wall, moaning so loud, there was no way only Jaehyun was hearing them.

Eric kept telling himself he didn’t really care but there was no use in lying to himself. Juyeon was his main source of enjoyment lately. It wasn’t love, it wasn’t even as superficial as a crush, it was simply fun and a stop to his loneliness. 

It was also something else, something he wasn’t even sure he should be feeling but something he was sure as hell didn’t want to feel. It was guilt.

The lingering smell of a different toothpaste, the closeness but still too far away, the image of untenable eyes hunted his every moment, no matter if awake or asleep. He couldn’t escape from the memory of that night, making itself present on both his heart and his mind. Eric didn’t want anything to do with it, he’d already broken the rule of staying out of this problem, the last thing he needed in his life was more conflict.

Still, the feeling of Jaehyun’s lips against the tip of his fingers left him with nothing but the wonder of what they would feel like against his own. 

And he hated it with a passion.

“You wouldn’t allow me to forget it.”

His remark earned him a smile from the older, who called him closer with his index finger.

Surprisingly, Juyeon was a pretty good teacher. He was clear with his explanations and had no problem answering the younger questions a few times until the answers stuck. 

It was, in a way, a breath of fresh air. Eric disconnected his brain from anything that wasn’t the two of them and math, silencing all the thoughts that didn’t let him sleep at night. Right then, they were the only thing important. If he allowed himself to fantasise, he could even see them as a normal couple, going to dates on the weekends and having sex for some deeper reason than just not wanting to be alone.

But no matter how much he dreamed about it, it wasn’t something he wanted, less than less with Juyeon. Not like the older wanted something like that with him either, but it still made him feel empty.

A flick on his forehead brought him back from the depths of his own mind and Juyeon raised an eyebrow at him, probably his way of questioning why he was wasting his time if he had no intention of paying attention. 

With a shake of his head, the silver haired tried to focus but a chuckle made that impossible. He’d heard the other laugh, mostly after his own jokes, but this was different. 

It was softer. 

Juyeon was sharing with him an intimate moment and Eric didn’t know how to react to such trust.

Instead, with a head shake of his own, the older leaned in, kissing him. This was also different. They hadn’t kissed like this, as a show of affection instead of a question for something more. 

It was strange but it wasn’t unpleasant.

They stayed there until Eric’s homework was done.

Jaehyun’s bed was comfortable enough to spend the entire weekend on it without moving a single muscle and staring at the ceiling. Thankfully for him, because that was exactly his plan.

Outside the door, Juyeon had come and gone again, probably to a party, the blonde didn’t really care. Considering he wanted to be left alone, this was the best possible outcome. 

For weeks, his head had been a complete and utter mess, filled with so many unsaid words and forbidden feelings, he couldn’t even see himself. It was like drowning, the desperation of not wanting to explode thanks to his own brain. What he’d originally intended to be an eye opener had been nothing but a bomb detonating even more uneasiness inside of him. The confrontation in the pub should have cleared things, not make them worse.

In reality, he should’ve known better. Nothing came easy, not even the truth.

Now, almost two weeks later, he felt just as bad as he had right afterwards. Time had done nothing but reassure his insecurities and fears. He shouldn’t have gone, he should’ve stayed put and wallow in self pity without having the tangible confirmation of his fucking feelings. In the end, it would’ve been for the best.

But of course he hadn’t, because he was an asshole.

The idea that maybe Juyeon had planned it all from the start crossed his mind but he discarded of it just as quickly as he’d conceived it. There was no way his housemate could’ve known what Eric would do to him and, even if he had, even he wouldn't have been that big of a disgusting bitch. 

Huffing and tossing around, he wondered if there was anything at all he could do about this. Alone? Probably nothing. With Eric? Not a possibility. With Juyeon? Probably his best bet but, then again, their last sexual encounter was enough to keep him away from the black haired. Since then, none of them had dared to try anything, staying out of each other’s paths as much as they could manage while living underneath the same roof. 

It was miserable.

He knew Juyeon wasn’t having that much of a hard time, Eric’s not at all silent visits enough to make that clear. Those, however, weren’t but a pain to him, fuelling his desperation. He’d tried his best to avoid the younger as well but that hadn’t worked out that well.

One morning, after not hearing anything, he’d ventured outside, ready to grab the keys and bolt it out of there. He was probably way too tired to drive, not able to manage any sleep with the silver haired’s groans a constant torture, but just sitting down in the car was way better than risking staying up here.

Still, not such luck.

Eric was coming out the bathroom, wearing nothing but a shirt. It was his, Jaehyun had seen him arrive on it the night before, but that didn’t make the view any better. He was gorgeous, hair messy and a clothed wrist rubbing against his eyes.

Jaehyun froze before being able to do anything else but the younger wasn’t much better, copying his action as soon as he was aware of his presence. None of them seemed able to move, tangled on each other without touching, not even close enough to be able to anyways.

Licking his lips, the older’s eyes weren’t able to do anything but travel down to the silver haired’s bare long legs. A million things he wanted to do to them had passed through his mind but once it was clear enough to actually focus on them, all the lights in his head turned on.

He’d grabbed the other by the arm, dragging both of them back inside the small room. Eric hadn’t said anything, too stunned to even open his mouth.

“Wait here.”

He rushed back into the kitchen, opening the freezer fast but not fast enough it’d have made too much noise.

Eric had waited for him, taking a seat on the closed toilet. His head had tilted in curiosity as soon as the blonde was back and Jaehyun cursed mentally from putting himself in this situation. 

Shifting the other’s right leg sideways, Jaehyun placed the ice carefully, not wanting to make the whole thing worse. The bruise was big and he couldn’t even imagine what could’ve made it. A million questions rushed back to him, the same he’d had the first time he applied a band aids on Eric.

_Who was it? Why do you show up like this so much? Can I do something for you? Why isn’t Juyeon helping? Does he know?_

“Keep that there.”

Looking for the elastic bandages wasn’t that much of a task, as Jaehyun knew where everything was in the bathroom. They had a few of them they’d brought from his place. Sangyeon’s volleyball career meant there were way too many left behind when he moved.

When he turned back around, the silver haired was looking at him with something in his eyes Jaehyun didn’t want to understand, didn’t want to process, didn’t want to let it fill him with hope.

He didn’t press on the leg, instead placing his hand underneath the knee and pushing just a little until the silver haired understood he was asking him to bend it. 

Putting the bandage correctly meant touching a lot of that pretty skin, smoother than he’d imagine it’d be. After folding the end inside, Jaehyun left his hands where they were on top of the other’s tight, heat coming from both of them.

Eric’s glance was grateful and Jaehyun couldn’t help himself, closing his hand slowly and grabbing at the other’s leg softly. Because he was kneeling on the floor, their usual height difference was reversed, with the younger looking down at him. He should’ve felt tiny like this but, on the contrary, he felt secure. 

It was only when Eric placed his own hand on top of his that Jaehyun knew there was no turning back for his heart.

He’d gone back to his room with that heavy feeling in his chest. In reality, he had been perfectly aware of his feelings for a while now, he didn’t need any more confirmation but it kept coming and the blonde didn’t know how to stop all of it, not even a bit of it.

They should’ve been shiny and beautiful, filling him with sweetness and lust. However, they climbed to his throat, choking him with desperation and despair.

There was no use in staying where he was so, after grabbing his wallet, he walked down to the convenience store. The cashier and owner, a middle aged man, greeted him with a smile. Since they’ve moved, they’d showed up there almost everyday; it was convenient and cheap. Jaehyun grabbed two wine boxes, soda and a pack of cigarettes. Just to look like he had his life more put together, he took a package of already made salad. The man gifted him a lollipop, probably seeing right through him.

When he got back to the apartment, it was just as silent and dark as he had left it. Jaehyun had the salad after cutting the top of his first wine carton. The tv provided him with background noise he wanted only to drain the sound of his own thoughts. 

The night was nice, the air coming through the window cleaning a little the unbreathable environment of the lonely living room. For some reason, all the blonde could think about was Sangyeon. They hadn’t seen each other in over two years but he couldn’t but wonder if he was alright, if he was healthy, and how he and Jacob were managing. They talked from time to time but it was never anything too real.

Their wedding had been nice for the most part. It had been outdoors, in the beautiful spring weather. It hadn’t rained and the two of them were shining brightly. He’d thought both him and Juyeon had had a nice time but, as the hours passed, he’d realised such a thought had been stupid at best, hopeful at worst. Alcohol kept coming and the blonde had lost track of himself—much like he was right now. It was only when he’d gone to grab a smoke to get away from the crowded party that he’d learned some things were never left behind.

He could see them, but they couldn’t exactly see him.

“—so stop it, Juyeon.”

“Is your wedding day, hyung, you should be in a better mood.” Juyeon was as wasted as he was.

“I know what’s going on between you and my brother and you need to cut it out, it’s not healthy for any of you.”

“Now you care about me, how considerate,” there was a rumbling sound, probably the black haired walking. “Let me tell you something, Sangyeon. What’s between your bother and I has nothing to do with you, so stay the fuck out of it.”

His drunken brain had purred at the idea, wanting to believe it so much, he almost could.

Almost.

“Do you think I’m blind?” Sangyeon was agitated and Jaehyun wondered if maybe he should step in.

“What? Are you going to tell me you always knew what I felt for you? That you knew but preferred to keep quiet because it was too much of a chore to let me down kindly? That you’ve known Jae and I have fucked for years but only now that you’re married you think you have a say on it? None of that is going to make you look like the perfect hyung you pretend to be.”

“JUYEON!”

“WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT, UH? DO YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU I LOVE YOU? BECAUSE I FUCKING DON’T. FEELINGS COME AND GO, SANGYEON, AND I HAVEN’T HAD THEM FOR YOU ON A VERY LONG TIME, SO GET OVER YOURSELF.”

“THEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH JAEHYUN?”

“Good to know you think that little of me, hyung.”

The two of them turned to him but Jaehyun walked right past his brother, grabbing Juyeon’s arm instead, taking the both of them back in the direction of the hotel.

“Jae—”

“Save it, I have no intention of hearing any of it. Enjoy the rest of your wedding.”

Juyeon was particularly quiet that night. They fucked fast and, for the first time, Jaehyun didn’t wish for something else. It was probably then when he realised he hadn’t like the other for a while now, that liking him felt familiar so he’d convinced himself he still did just to not lose the habit or, maybe, he had convinced himself to not stop liking Juyeon because after five years it meant he’d wasted all the hope he’d once had. 

To this day, the blonde didn’t know which one it had been. However, it had been a freeing moment for him, letting go of all his feelings and keeping his relationship with Juyeon what the younger had always wanted it to be: sex and nothing else. If Juyeon felt the change back then, he didn’t mention it to him. Sangyeon tried talking about it with him but Jaehyun refused, telling him he was a few years too late. None of them had brought it up again, they didn’t talk that much anyways. 

At some point, he’d moved down, sitting on the floor instead of the couch that was now serving as a pillow. His eyes were back on the ceiling and he wondered what his fucking obsession with looking up was. Now wasn’t the moment to think about that, his wine filled brain too mushy to provide him with an answer.

Preparing the other box implied moving too much and Jaehyun didn’t exactly feel like it, he was comfortable and his thoughts were a little quieter when they were tinted in red.

Sighing, he counted how many steps there were to the window before shaking his head and breaking his own rule, fishing a cigarette from his old package. There were only two left and he complemented his past self for remembering to buy some. Between Juyeon and Eric the apartment already smelled like tobacco anyways.

The door opened with a loud thud the exact moment he put his lighter back on the coffee table. Juyeon, decked on leather pants and a white shirt, was leaning into Eric, a total contrast on washed jeans, a leaf patterned colourful shirt and a long cardigan. They were both stumbling but the oldest of the two was visibly the drunkest. Jaehyun wondered how late it was. Pretty, he concluded, for Juyeon to be this intoxicated.

None of them paid him any mind, walking to the black haired’s room in the darkness of the house. 

Jaehyun had smoked half his cigarette before Eric came back and sat next to him, taking the last one from the open packet.

Maybe it was the wine, maybe the moonlight, but the blonde didn’t stop himself from looking at the younger. He was wearing eyeliner and glossy lipstick. He looked beyond beautiful but, really, when didn’t he?

“Had fun?”

Eric shrugged, exhaling the smoke forwards. His usually irresistible lips were made even worse by the glitter and Jaehyun couldn’t help but wonder what they’d taste like. “Thought you didn’t smoke inside.”

“I don’t.”

With a nod, the younger stole his wine, preparing it himself. Jaehyun could only watch, mesmerised by the silver haired’s delicate movements. Even with that much alcohol in him, he still moved like he was perfectly fine.

“How’s your bruise?”

“Is better, thank you,” he only answered after taking a sip and passing the package to him.

Jaehyun drank some as well before grabbing at Eric’s left arm, the one closest to him. His grip was strong enough to move the limb but nothing more than that. He may know little about the other but the scars spoke for themselves. 

Turning it over until his palm was facing downwards, the blonde finally noticed the cardigan was gone. The shirt was made of some silky material, shiny and soft, but he didn’t care about it. Rolling it up just a little, he pressed his finger against the head of the snake peeking from underneath it, pretty black to be too old. He wanted to know how far up his arm it went. Instead, he circled his wrist with his own hand, pressing at the tattoo with his thumb.

When he looked at Eric, the younger was swallowing, eyes burning a hole through their skins. 

It was only when the younger looked back at him that Jaehyun slid his hand up, taking the shirt arm with him for a few centimetres. When he stopped, he tilted his head a little. Eric nodded in permission and he pulled the fabric over the elbow.

The snake ended on his forearm, a dagger next to it almost on the inside of the fold. It was smaller than the reptile, covering less than half of the total length. There was a moon, leaves and part of a spider web on the little skin he was being subjected to. How many tattoos did the younger have? How many would he allow him to see?

When their sights matched once more, Jaehyun moved his own hand into the other’s, grabbing at it and moving both of them again, this time underneath his own shirt, stopping on his ribs. Eric blinked but the blonde didn’t stop, pressing his palm against his own tattoo. This time, when the younger closed his eyes, he didn’t open them for a while. His hand closed against Jaehyun’s side, feeling the bone and the latter’s inhale was shaky.

Eric leaned in but he was the one closing the space between them first. He grabbed at Eric’s neck before guiding his hand upwards and tangling his fingers in between the silver locks. On the other end, the younger guided his own hand to his back until it was on the other side of his body, squishing him closer. 

The gloss tasted like artificial strawberry but the kiss tasted exactly like Eric smelled. It was tobacco, mostly, but also a mixture of beer and red wine. It tasted like candy, mint and lots of fruits. He tasted like all the feelings they couldn’t say but couldn’t hide. He tasted of desperation, of resentment, of want.

When tongue met tongue, Jaehyun felt his piercing, something so Eric it was driving him wild. His entire body shivered.

He wasn’t sure who pulled away first but it wasn’t far, their breaths mixing as much as their saliva had. It hadn’t been long but they were both panting, maybe for air, maybe for each other. 

Jaehyun slid his hand for the last time, resting it against the silver haired’s cheek and caressing it softly. Eric’s eyes closed but, this time, it was in pain. The older knew, because he was feeling the exact same thing. 

This had been useless, they both knew it, but none of them had been able to stop, just like none of them were able to move away, to break the magic passing through them. When he looked at those eyes again, Jaehyun saw a storm shining in the moonlight and he never wanted to stop looking at it.

He was the one pulling away but Eric was the one standing up, almost smacking Juyeon’s door. 

Jaehyun rubbed his eyes, finished the wine, smoked the first cigarette of his new pack and disappeared into his own room. 

Before opening his eyes, Juyeon knew he’d gone overboard. His head was killing him, almost as if small needles were penetrating his temple. Groaning, he tugged a little, turning to the other side of the bed, ready to splatter his body all over the mattress.

Instead, he was met with the smaller body of Eric, restricted to his own side, facing him and sleeping pleasantly. Well, at least as pleasantly as Juyeon ever imagined he could sleep. Just his previous movement had been almost enough to wake the younger, something bound to happen if he moved again. 

It wasn’t a surprise Eric had a very light sleep, his body was proof enough something wasn’t right in his life. Juyeon hadn’t asked, he didn’t want to make the silver haired uncomfortable or scare him away with his words. So he had kept his mouth shut, trying to make him feel better with his body instead. It seemed to be working, at least during the night, when it was only them, the blurry sky lighting and their moans. 

“Hey,” his voice was low, knowing better than to use a stronger tone on such delicate moments.

Eric’s eyes opened slowly and a sense of deep pride filled Juyeon’s chest. The first night on his bed, he was sure the younger hadn’t managed even a few seconds of sleep. As their encounters became constant, the silver haired started to adapt to having him so close. The earning of trust had apparently gone so far that Eric didn’t jump when waking to his voice.

Risking it a little, Juyeon placed a hand on the younger’s cheek before moving closer. It was only when their lips were almost touching that Eric pulled back, his eyes looking anywhere but at him. 

Juyeon shrugged and sat up slowly, not wanting to make his headache any worse.

None of them had woken up before midday so they all skipped breakfast altogether, jumping into an improvised lunch made with whatever Eric could find in their pretty deserted fridge. 

Jaehyun helped while he ran to the pharmacy to get all of them some aspirin. It had been a long time since he’d seen his housemate drunk, which really made him curse himself for being in an even worse state. 

From his spot on the table, Juyeon saw it all. They weren’t ignoring each other, not really, which was a huge change. In the past month he’d seen their animosity for each other growing thinner and thinner but he knew Jaehyun well enough to know it would never disappear. 

But this, this was different.

Whatever he’d realised was going on between them for the past weeks now had a name and Juyeon didn’t like it one bit.

By the time he was saying goodbye to Eric at the door, his headache was gone enough.

Good.

Jaehyun was still sitting, chin resting on his right hand. His blonde hair was combed and his white short sleeve and joggers gave him a domestic look. He looked the prettiest Juyeon had seen him look in a while. But he was also so lost in his own thoughts he didn’t listen to Juyeon getting closer, not catching up something was up until the black haired grabbed his arm and pulled him up.

They were the exact same height. It usually made Juyeon furious. Today, he didn’t care.

When their eyes met, Jaehyun’s had no fight in them. Juyeon grabbed at his chin, instigating him, trying to get any type of response, but the older simply blinked before looking away.

The same desperation that had filled him the last time they’d had sex filled him again. Suddenly, he was alone all over again. He could’ve cried.

Instead, he said “fuck me.”

He wished he could’ve framed Jaehyun’s face of utter shock but even if he couldn’t, there was no way he would ever forget about it.

When the older didn’t move, Juyeon understood he’d have to take the lead tonight, something he didn’t mind one bit. 

Pulling Jaehyun closer, he went directly for the other’s neck, licking a little before sinking his teeth in, earning himself a very quiet groan. It was okay, it was more than what he usually got. 

Bites turned into kisses and moved all over the older’s neck until reaching his collarbone. Juyeon pulled down his shirt, sucking right beneath the bone. Jaehyun groaned again and Juyeon felt drunker than he was last night.

The feeling only intensified when the blonde seemed to finally catch up, grabbing his waist and pressing hard, surely leaving small bruises. Adrenaline traveled through his blood, making him shaky and hard all at the same time.

Jaehyun took his shirt off, wasting no time and launching into his chest, marking it all over. It was nice, mostly because they hadn’t done this in a while, but the black haired needed more, needed familiar, needed him so much it burned him.

“My room.”

In place of a verbal answer, Jaehyun grabbed his arm just like he’d grabbed his before, pulling both of them to Juyeon’s bedroom. The mattress was a mess, still unmade, but none of them cared, none of them ever did.

Clothes started to fly away in between nibbles and curses, and the younger felt back in known territory, his body threatening to go on autopilot but he resisted, he wanted to enjoy every last second of this encounter.

Jaehyun knew his way around his room as well as he did around the older’s. He pulled the lube out of the bedside table at the same time Juyeon lay on his own bed.

The fingers inside him barely made him bat an eye, recognisable even though it had been a while. One turned to two turned to three and he was yearning to let go like he did every time he rammed into Eric, to let his body loose and let Jaehyun know how good it felt.

He did none of those, opting instead for biting his bottom lip and moaning on a low volume when he couldn’t help it. 

“Hurry up.”

Jaehyun huffed at this but there was definitely a smile on his face. Surprisingly, the blonde listened, putting the condom quite quickly. 

When he entered him, Juyeon couldn’t help but close his eyes and exhale slowly, the pleasure too nice to not savour it. 

A shift on top of him made him look.

They were practically in the middle of the bed and the older had moved to the right, turning his face away from the pillows. Away from Eric’s pillow. Eric’s scent. 

Juyeon should’ve felt nothing but joy, wanting to laugh at the older for something so stupid, for not being able to hide anything from him, for confirming his suspicions. Rather than any of those, his heart darkened, he clenched his jaw and swallowed his uneasiness. 

It was only when Jaehyun started to move without looking at him that something inside Juyeon broke, compelling him to reach for the other’s face, turning him until he had no option but to look at him. Jaehyun didn’t stop his thrusts but he was somewhere else entirely.

“Stay the fuck away from Eric.”

The name brought him back and Jaehyun tried to groan humorlessly but it just sounded pathetic, maybe as pathetic as Juyeon felt.

“And since when do you have a single say on what I do with my life?”

Juyeon could’ve answered with a lot of things. _Since the time I kissed you in your bedroom. Since the first time you let me fuck you when you saw me crying. Since the first time I let you fuck me. Since the first time we shared a cigarette, or maybe a beer, or maybe a joint. Since the first time we got drunk. Since the first time I sucked your dick, since the first time you did. Since we moved in together. Since you chose me over your brother’s prejudice._

Looping his arms around Jaehyun’s neck gave him only a minute to appreciate the surprise filling the older’s eyes before their lips met. 

_Since you felt for me._

_Or maybe since I did._

_iv. If I can have this dance tonight, I promise that you won’t forget_

“Come on!” Sunwoo’s whiny tone wasn't as convincing as he usually liked to convince himself it was. Eric, for one, loathed it.

Kevin hit his boyfriend on the head with a closed first before turning to him. “Please, it’s been a while since the last time you’ve gone out with us.”

There was nothing the silver haired could say to that because it was true. His weekends lately were mostly spent on Juyeon’s and Jaehyun’s apartment. After that night with Jaehyun, he’d told himself he should stop it all before it blew on his face but here he was, not having stopped anything.

Even if most nights meant some kind of sex, some other nights didn’t. He’d go to Juyeon’s place, make dinner and they would simply stay there until someone got bored. Since that night, him and Jaehyun had stayed in each other’s presence even when Juyeon went to sleep first but nothing else had happened. 

Jaehyun was the same he’d been since Eric had met him but, at the same time, he was a completely different person. The chemistry between them couldn’t be ignored, not even by Juyeon, much to Eric’s dismay. 

Once, when he had the older’s dick in his mouth, hot and heavy, Juyeon had bent down, getting as close to his ear as he could. 

“What happened with the uneasiness?”

He wasn’t saying anything, not really, but Eric had grown up an expert on reading tones and words hidden underneath what was being said, for him it was a survival skill. So of course he got it, the real meaning behind the stupid remark, so out of place right in the middle of a blowjob.

Juyeon was telling him how easy to read he was, that no matter how hard he’d been trying to hide his attraction to Jaehyun, the black haired had seen right through him. It wasn’t a threat, it wasn’t even a warning, but the younger’s heart swelled. It was the acknowledgement of something he wasn’t ready to process or have to learn to live with.

When the older pulled his hair, Eric didn’t pull back, partly because he was too lost inside his own mind and partly because he wasn’t sure, maybe he wanted to prove something to Juyeon? They weren’t anything, they weren’t even friends, the silver haired owed him absolutely nothing and, still, it clouded his heart. 

Juyeon spilled inside his mouth and Eric choked on guilt.

The bomb was ready to explode, one wrong move by any of them and everything would go to absolute shit. Still, none of them seemed exactly like the people who knew how to get out of these situations, all of them seemed more like the people who let themselves be set on fire.

Eric knew this was going to end like this the second he stepped inside Juyeon’s apartment, so there was no one to blame but himself. 

“Okay, I’ll go.”

“That’s the Ric I know,” Kevin smiled at him, patting his back. “Let’s stop by my house, I’ll lend you something.”

Kevin didn’t need to ask why Eric didn’t want to go to his own place, he knew. “Sure.”

He’d never felt comfortable in his best friend’s house. It was light and normal, with loads of wood, warm furniture and family photos. His house didn’t have any of those, surely not the pictures. If you cut off what really mattered, Kevin’s and his family were the same: parents, two siblings, them and their younger sisters. Except no one could cut any of that off. While his best friend’s family was the most normal a family could get, Eric would have preferred not to think about his ever again. Yuri would surely agree with him.

On the second floor, Kevin’s bedroom looked almost the same as it had the first time they’ve been here together. That had been over 10 years ago and none of them were the same but their friendship remained, probably the only thing on the silver haired’s life to last that long. No matter what life threw at them, they always found their way back to each other. 

He plopped on the older’s bed, looking at the wooden ceiling while his friend looked for a shirt to give him. Thankfully for Eric, they had always been practically the same size so when he needed clothes, Kevin was there to the rescue.

“So, are you going to tell me what’s going on between you and Juyeon hyung or do I have to pry it out of you?”

The silver haired laughed. “This is the reason you invited me tonight?”

“Stop playing coy, you ass.”

With a shrug Kevin couldn’t see, Eric turned to his side, looking at his best friend’s back. “There really isn’t anything between us apart from the sex.”

“Are you sure he sees it that way?”

“Pretty sure, yeah.”

“So,” Kevin threw him two tops before moving to his jeans. “Why does he keep showing up? He comes pick you up, I’m sure you sleep at his house a lot, you’re with each other all the time. Isn’t that dating?”

“We’re not dating,” he grabbed at both tops before throwing them back. “Give me something cropped. Jaehyun exists, did you forget?”

The older obeyed, throwing him a black sleeveless crop top. “I told you they’re not dating.”

“I know they’re not. Whatever they have going on is way worse.”

They changed in silence, Eric even convincing Kevin his jeans were okay for a stupid indie concert. While they did, the latter said nothing, leaving the younger with his own mind and nothing else. He hadn’t lied, not once, not like he could lie to Kevin anyways, but why did it feel like he had?

“Do you like him?”

“Who?”

Kevin frowned before realisation hit him, tinting his face with something Eric hadn’t seen on it for a very long time. 

Pity.

“Jaehyun.”

The silver haired shrugged. He kept telling himself he didn’t, that he wasn’t sure what this was, that they didn’t even know each other enough for feelings to be there. But, in reality, he knew the only one being lied to was himself. Juyeon had noticed, so of course there was something giving him away. 

He was tempted to steal the black haired’s answer to when Eric had asked him the same question. Instead, he went with “I guess.”

Eric had never been good with feelings. He’d had crushes before but this, whatever it was he felt for Jaehyun, was nothing like that. It was almost like a cosmic force, pulling him to the older every time they were close to each other. It consumed him, leaving him restless and breathless. The single kiss they’d shared plagued his thoughts, repeating itself over and over again. His mother would call him a fucking idiot for letting it reach this point in the first place and for getting his hopes up after a single incident but, then again, she called him a fucking idiot without having all of that information. 

“And what about him?”

A sigh. “I just told you, didn’t I? Whatever they have going on is way worse,” he managed a laugh, he’d learned to laugh at his own misfortune at a very young age. “There’s no space between them for me.”

Kevin grabbed at both sides of his face, connecting their eyes. His were screaming but Eric didn’t want to hear it. “You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have anything you want. You deserve to be loved and love back.”

He wasn’t sure how many times he’d hear his friend say something along those lines, way too many in all the years they’ve known each other. They were nothing but words for him, empty of any real meaning. Eric didn’t know what he deserved, he didn’t even know what he wanted. Whatever that was, Jaehyun wasn’t it. 

He’d promised himself he wouldn’t get involved on their fucking mess and even if he’d broken that promise to an extent, he wasn’t about to do something even worse. 

There was no way in hell he’d ever forget the kiss they share and that was enough for him.

It was way too hot to be here. The walls were covered in photographs and paintings by local artists, ready to use the opportunity to get their name out there, to get even a single person to see their work. The difference between the downstairs and the upstairs lightning was jarring, Jaehyun’s eyes taking their time to distinguish anything on the terrace after the intense artificial lights the tattoo artist needed to not fuck up their work.

The band hadn’t played yet but it wasn’t as if the blonde cared about them, he didn’t even know what type of music they made. 

His friends were hanging out by the cement railing, various cans and bottles between them. They all looked happy to be there, including Eric, who, in a crop top, was even more dangerous than he usually was.

“Hyung!” Chanhee smiled at him and the blonde smiled back, receiving the can he was about to give him.

Changmin side eyed him, offering nothing but a nod but Jaehyun wasn’t expecting anything different. Sunwoo, Haknyeon and Kevin were all enthusiastic about his arrival, teasing him about all the amazing nights he’d missed that year thanks to his rule to skip house parties. 

Eric listened carefully to their banter, sipping on a bottle of something colourful the blonde was sure had more sugar than most candy. It hit him that maybe that was what he’d been tasting on the younger and the urge to prove the point was buried by another of his own sips.

It didn’t take long for the small group to separate, some of their other friend’s showing up and calling for their attention. Jaehyun didn’t have many of those and, by the looks of it, neither did Eric.

“What made you break your own rule?”

The silver haired was looking at him, resting against the half wall. 

Instead of answering, Jaehyun extended his own hand, waiting for the younger to do the same.

With only an eyebrow raise, Eric did.

Even though it was way too hot, the silver haired’s hand were cold, almost impossibly so. Jaehyun squished on it just because he could and Eric rolled his eyes, unamused but with a hint of glee underneath.

With his free hand, he reached for his back pocket, placing the teal box in the younger’s a second later.

“You left it at the apartment.”

The packet was untouched but Eric didn’t mention that, instead opening it and taking out one cigarette. The process of watching him light them would never get old for the blonde, entranced by those lip closing on the white.

Once he was done, the younger placed the smoke in between his index and middle finger and extended it towards him. The corners of Jaehyun’s mouth rose and he leaned it, getting quite close to the other.

“What do you study?”

The question surprised him but after exhaling the smoke, the older crossed his arms on his chest and turned to Eric. “Anthropology.”

The younger blinked. “Oh.”

“Do I look like a science guy?”

Eric didn’t waste the chance to look him over, sending those shivers Jaehyun was starting to associate with only him.

“Not really.”

“Because I’m not. You don’t look like a science guy either but you are.”

“I am,” Eric blew his own cigarette before turning to him. “What kind of guy do I look like?”

“I have a lot of answers for that one.”

The younger chuckled underneath his breath, so low Jaehyun could’ve missed it. He didn’t and he wondered how much of those he could earn himself tonight.

“Tell me about one of your tattoos.”

It wasn’t really an acknowledgement of their kiss on the tradition sense but it still was, for them at least. Eric swallowed before looking at his lips for a moment. Jaehyun wanted to kiss him again, in an open place like this, where anyone could see. He wanted to make Eric laugh again and he wanted to talk to him in the morning when they woke up. Nothing of this was possible, so he settled for looking at the younger’s mouth’s movements as he talked.

“I got the dagger when I was 16. The place was sketchy but it turned out surprisingly well. My fake ID was very fake but they cared even less than I did. I had to hide it when I was home but I was stupid enough to think the school wouldn’t call my mother. They did.”

He said nothing more but Jaehyun understood. The bruises, the cuts, the limping, it suddenly made a lot of sense. 

Risking it, he rested his palm against the younger’s cheek, it feeling as cold as his hands had been. To his surprise, Eric didn’t pull back, instead choosing to lean into it, closing his eyes. He was the most beautiful Jaehyun had ever seen him, trusting and showing a side of him the older doubted anyone could see.

Jaehyun wanted this. All of it. All the time.

“I got mine the day I turned 18. My mother was completely against it but my brother took me anyway. It hurt so much I almost passed out,” as he talked, the silver haired’s hand moved through his body, resting where Jaehyun had taken it last time, right above the ink. “Juyeon said it looked stupid before I got it but once it was done, he admitted it was cool.”

He had always thought of that day as nice. He couldn’t remember how the black haired had gotten to the shop, if it had been him or Sangyeon who had told him about it, or if he rode back with them. He’d just been there, like he always was, on almost every single memory inside Jaehyun’s head. It had once been calming. Now, it was nothing but suffocating. 

“What is it?”

“A butterfly,” he shrugged. “I thought it would give me freedom, just like turning 18.”

“Did it?”

“Did your 18th birthday?”

Now the younger was the one shrugging, as if saying ‘touché’.

Jaehyun had no idea what freedom felt like but he did know neither did Eric.

Grabbing his hand, the younger pulled it off of his face, but instead of dropping it, he intertwined their fingers. The blonde couldn’t but look at the two for a few seconds before focusing back on Eric. His smoke was halfway gone.

“Why did you move in together?”

“Why wouldn’t we? We’d been together for a long time already, it made sense.”

Eric squished his hand. “I thought you weren’t dating.”

“We never did. We were just,” he stopped himself. “Together.”

He was met by an eyebrow raise but he knew the younger understood what he meant. He wasn’t sure if he’d ever asked Juyeon this but he didn’t want to know. He also didn’t want to know for which of them he was asking.

“How about you? Why him?”

“The same reason as you. Because he was there,” Eric exhaled before turning to him. “Because he’s warm and he’s company. Because being with him is better than being alone.”

The sharp brown eyes were burning towards his own but Jaehyun didn’t care. _And why me, then?_

He didn’t ask and Eric didn’t answer. He finished his cigarette, stepped on it, let go of his hand and walked back to Kevin.

Jaehyun stayed where he was even when his own smoke was gone, looking at the sky and perceiving the music of the band in the background.

He wanted to ask Eric to choose him but, before that, he needed to make his own choice. 

After the party, Eric ignored Juyeon’s texts. He didn’t have anything to say and he wasn’t ready to confront whatever the fuck was going on between the three of them. In all honesty, he was hoping it was enough for the older to move on and leave him alone.

He wanted to see none of them again, if he could manage.

However, his new circumstances meant he was home way too much for his own physical well being. 

He could’ve gone to Kevin’s way more often but he didn’t want to intrude that much, not to mention give his best friend reasons to worry for him. Bruises could be hid, expressions couldn’t, not when it came to Kevin.

So, he’d been mostly camping in his bedroom, staying out of her sight. If she didn’t see him, she couldn’t hit him. 

Or so he thought.

She was screaming his name from downstairs. Not just his, Yuri’s as well. Both their heads peeked from behind their respective doors and Eric indicated for his sister to step behind him, to stay out of her line of sight and as far away as possible. They’ve been through this before so she simply nodded.

The walk downstairs was unnerving and Eric used it to recall all the windows, every step bringing a new emergency exit to the front of his mind. It was something he’d done for ages, it helped him relax. He wasn’t entirely trapped, there were always neighbours that could hear him if everything got too bad.

She was standing in the living room, a letter in hand. Her normally bored face was filled with rage, nothing but pure and utter fire on her eyes. Eric flinched.

The screaming started before any of them had even stepped on the room. Their father was behind the letter, or at least his lawyer. Apparently, he’d come back from America months ago and had sued her, asking for total custody of his children.

The mention of him didn’t affect Eric at all but Yuri hiccuped, he wasn’t sure why. It didn’t fly over her head, the screams getting louder as she got closer. There was something going on she knew about but he didn’t but it wasn’t the time to try and figure it out. 

Eric got his own scream out, telling Yuri to _GET OUT_ and grabbing her, stopping her advancement. He’d known better than to touch her since he was 7 years old but Yuri was way more important to him right now.

She made it out when the first kick came. The air left his lungs and he bent forward, protecting his middle but exposing his head. She punched him on the side of it, making his hand travel upwards to press on the spot and tumbling down, falling to his knees. 

She was screaming again and Eric was panting, analysing if he could make it to the door. 

Bad idea.

In the seconds it took him to form the idea, another punch came, this time impacting his directly on the mouth. His teeth hit flesh, blood coming out, hot and disgusting. He knew better than to spit and dirty the floors.

Water clouded his eyes and he wanted to give up, to let her have whatever she wanted so she would leave them alone. But it didn’t work like that, it never had. Most importantly, he had to keep her away from Yuri as long as he could. 

So he got to his feet, pressing the back of his hand to his mouth and looking at her. The rage had grown and he felt a tear running down his cheek. He didn’t remember the woman she used to be, the mother that once raised him. His only image of her was anger, pain, crimson blood and purple bruises. 

There was no more laughter and smile, replaced only by screams and violence.

Eric used to yearn for the old days but he was too young when he learned better than to hope for something he couldn’t have.

Stopping a hit only meant 10 more. On his hip, on his legs, on his cheeks. Time stopped exciting, replaced only by agony and loud insults.

_Keep her away from Yuri._

That was his main goal but his sister seemed to have another plan. 

Her voice made him crumble. _You needed to run._

She was screaming a woman’s name that wasn’t hers, it was one Eric remembered hearing in passing since he was around her age, one that came and went but never really stuck.

It was one of the neighbours from the other block. 

A cop.

The punches and kicks stopped and the wooden floor was too cold for the weather outside. Eric couldn’t exactly see anything, too much liquid clouding his eyes to differentiate the view. Blood and tears and sweat had mixed up in the air and he really wished he could have a cigarette right then.

His name was being screamed again but it wasn’t with anger, with hatred, it was with worry. It made him think of Kevin before blonde locks and tobacco smell filled his mind, leaving him with a nice image before his consciousness slipped away from him.

Fanning himself with a hand, Jaehyun remembered why he hated the hot weather. It was 11pm and he’d just come out of the shower but his body was already covered in sweat again.

His mind wandered again, thinking of brown eyes, light locks, black ink and silver steel. It’d been doing that for a while, but mostly since the party. His thoughts were a jumbled mess, letting him think of everything and nothing at the same time, ideas coming and disappearing with the same velocity; it was so loud yet so silent, the blonde was starting to feel trapped inside his own head. 

There had never been a concrete answer for anything in his entire life but he wished, just this once, there could be. He felt 17 again, sitting in bed, analysing how wrong it was to make out with the neighbour that clearly liked his brother. 

A knock on the door pulled him back into the empty apartment. Juyeon had gone out a few minutes ago, or maybe a few hours, there was no way of being sure, not when he was like this. Either way, he had his own keys.

Getting up was almost a chore, his muscles as numb as his feelings.

The eyes that followed him in his dreams even when he was awake were staring back at him, empty and dull and nothing like they usually were, full of life. The boy that came with them looked the worse than he’d ever looked and Jaehyun could feel his heart hitting rock bottom.

For the first time since they’ve met, he didn’t want to know what was hiding behind all the fabric. There were band aids all over his face— on his cheek, over his nose bridge, on his forehead, even on his neck. His short sleeves showed him a bandaged right arm Jaehyun wasn’t sure he wanted to know what state it was in.

“Eric…” His voice was low, probably too low to hide his worry.

The younger shook his head, stepping inside and looking around. 

“Juyeon is out.”

“I came to see you,” Eric’s voice was devoid of any feeling, as cold and distant as his glance. 

Jaehyun nodded. “What do you need?”

“You.”

He frowned for a second before he felt warmth and dryness; they felt nothing like they had the first time.

They stumbled inside, Eric’s hands pressing on his upper arms, using Jaehyun to stabilise himself. He was grabbing hard but the older didn’t care. The kiss tasted of darkness, of unwanted wishes, of pain and loneliness.

The younger’s tongue entered his mouth without any warning and without any care, parting his lips quickly and intensely. Jaehyun answered with a silent moan, the vibrations of the pleasure trapped in between his throat and Eric’s mouth. 

Somehow, they made it all the way to the older’s room without kicking anything but their own hearts and Jaehyun didn’t know what to say, if he should even say anything at all. Eric verbalised another word, his mouth too busy devouring all of Jaehyun’s sounds. 

It was when the older hit his knees against the bed frame that he dared touching Eric at all, placing both palms on the younger’s abdomen and pushing him back a little. 

“Eri—”

“Don’t,” his tone slipped, showing the cracks on his cold exterior filled with nothing but desperation on the inside. “Don’t.”

So Jaehyun fell silent, eating his worry and his questions. Sex had always been nothing but an outlet so if Eric wanted to do this with him, he would help, eating his feelings as well, burying everything unnecessary deep inside his heart like he always had.

The younger dropped to his knees, working Jaehyun’s zipper faster than he could have done it himself. From this angle, he had a perfect view of Eric. His silver locks were a little wet, probably out the shower not that long ago, his long lashes covering his eyes and his jaw clenched, if it was in concentration or in frustration, Jaehyun didn’t know.

His hands were soft and as cold as they’d been during the party but Jaehyun’s cock reacted all the same, hardening under his touch and causing him to groan. He didn't hide it, didn’t mute it, because he couldn’t. There was no way of keeping anything inside with Eric trying to get everything into his throat and his heart.

With a whimper of his own, the other leaned down, taking him in his mouth. He went deep, making Jaehyun blink fast, biting his lips. It was aphrodisiac, the sweet warmth surrounding him, the wetness of Eric’s tongue pressed against his length, the hard contrast of the steel something he’d never experienced before. 

Jaehyun fisted the sheets, panting as the silver haired moved him in and out his mouth, sending pleasure all over his body. The dark cloud of the situation didn’t dissipate but the older couldn’t stop himself from enjoying it.

Eric let go of him with a wet plop and when he caught a better view, Jaehyun almost came right there and then. His mouth was redder than usual, partly because it was swollen and partly because he’d reopened a tiny cut on the bottom lip. Drool was falling from it and coating his chin, mixing with a bit of blood. Eric didn’t care about it, using his right hand to smear it, hungry eyes not breaking contact with the older’s for even a second.

The blonde anticipated the other’s movements, using his own hands to get rid of the younger’s shirt. His chest was partly covered by more bandages, mostly the upper part of his stomach, but the rest of the skin was mixed with black ink, different designs and letters covering a lot of the blank canvas. 

Carefully, Jaehyun pressed his fingers on the stomach just like he’d done previously with his arms. Flames disappeared inside the white cloth but roses, skeletons, leaves and phrases accompanied it. They were beautiful, very unapologetically Eric. Each told a story he was dying to learn, dying to understand, dying to be trusted with.

Flattening his palms, Jaehyun used them to travel all the way to right beneath the younger’s armpits and bring him closer until he sat on top of him. They hadn’t been this close in a while but Jaehyun wasted no time connecting their lips once more, tasting the bitterness of himself and the metallic of the blood.

Eric wasted even less time in getting him naked, taking care of his top quickly, pulling them away from each other just to get it past the older’s head. The joggers weren’t that much more complicated, Jaehyun could manage both their weights as he moved up to get them past his ass. Still, Eric’s jeans were even easier.

Their clothed groins rubbed against each other, earning him the first real moan from the younger’s mouth. The moment had been over a month in the making, with teases coming from the thin wall every other night.

The vibration of his own groan against the younger’s open mouth made Eric bite hard on his bottom lip.

Jaehyun searched blindly for the drawer on his bedside table, reaching inside and finding the lube easily. 

“Can I?”

After he nodded, Jaehyun helped him lay on his back after taking both their underwear off. The view was breathtaking and even though he could have him all for himself, he couldn’t but wait, absorbing every single detail of the scene. With one hand crossed over his stomach and the other over his chest, index finger inside his mouth, he was the most attractive person he’d never be able to have.

He coated his finger generously, not wanting to cause the younger any more pain that he’d already suffer that night. It was quite tight and incredibly hot and Jaehyun couldn’t wait to be inside him.

“ _Ja—jaehyun hyung.”_

The older froze in place for a second, maybe less. Eric didn’t seem to notice but it was like a cold shower for him, tugging at his heart strings, blinding him with all his unsaid wishes and desires. 

The younger whimpered, pushing against his finger and making Jaehyun moan. “ _Fu—ck_.”

“Hyung.” The urgency was gone but the emotion stayed.

“I know.”

He added the other two fingers in close succession to each other but still carefully, not letting his desire take over his mind. The sounds Eric was making were drowning and the older tried to burn every single one into his mind.

Pulling all of them out as carefully as he could manage with his dick this hard, Jaehyun reached inside his drawer again, retrieving a condom. 

He didn’t manage to make it back to where he was, letting himself be pushed around by the younger, who reversed their positions back to how they were in the beginning, his small body opposite the open window, his silhouette perfectly outlined by the direct moonlight. 

Jaehyun moaned deeply at the sight of Eric ripping the condom open with his mouth.

Eric moved slowly, filling the blonde with so much pleasure he had no choice but to close his eyes, the sight almost too much, too intense, too real. It was only when he was all the way inside the younger that he left out a mixture of the his name and a groan, the other responding with one of his own.

For a few seconds, they did nothing but breathe, feeling each other in an intimate way Jaehyun had never realised meant being this close to another person. 

When reopening his eyes, Jaehyun was met with a sigh he’d never forget. 

Eric’s mouth was opened, allowing him to breath even deeper. His half exposed chest, white mostly cut by the pink of his nipples, his left arm as support, his right hand resting against his collarbone, his teeth over his lower lip, his cheeks pink when the light brown of the band aids didn’t cover them, his eyes filled with lust but with also with something else entirely.

Something only one person had seen him with, over 4 years ago. Something that didn’t belong in sex. Something so raw and vulnerable, his heart broke again and again. Something he couldn’t afford to wish. 

Affection. 

Grabbing at the younger’s jaw, Jaehyun used his thumb to free his lip before leaning forwards, trapping that mouth with a deep kiss. It was different from the ones they’ve shared before, softer, more careful. It was a moment of weakness, of allowing to lose himself in the unattainable. 

Eric moved slowly at first but picked up speed fast, the sounds leaving his mouth hitting right on Jaehyun’s. It was like a drug, he couldn’t get enough of it.

The position was tiring but the blonde didn’t want to lose it. It was one he didn’t usually share with others and, most importantly, it was one him and Juyeon never went for. 

Instead of moving, he grabbed the younger’s hip, keeping him steady while he thrusted into him.

“ _Uhm.”_

_“Y—eah.”_

He hit deep, right into Eric’s prostate, but he did it like he wasn’t in a rush, like he wanted to savour every single second of it, every single moan, every single whimper. It felt real, maybe because it was exactly what he wanted.

Eric intertwined his fingers on his blonde locks, pulling only softly and to bring their lips closer again. They couldn’t exactly kiss but they rested their open mouths against each other, breathing the same air charged with pleasure.

Jaehyun grabbed at the silver haired’s groin when he started to feel closer and closer. Every pump brought higher moans from Eric’s throat, which was what ultimately caused him to spill inside the warmness only a moment before the other came, riding out his own orgasm.

The panting didn’t stop. Jaehyun’s muscles were killing him, the strength of keeping the younger still too much for him. Eric’s legs were shaking heavily as well but none of them moved, none of them said a word.

When the younger’s legs finally gave up, Jaehyun hugged his waist to keep him in place, pressing his nose on the other’s neck. He could feel the younger’s fast heart beat against his skin and he let himself be absorbed by the satisfaction of knowing it was all his doing. 

A small jerk made him pull back and the younger quickly moved his hands up, covering Jaehyun's eyes with his open palms. There was no hiding his shaking or his sounds but Jaehyun didn’t say anything about it, instead moving one of them away and using his bent index finger to clean some of his tears.

When Eric looked back at him, the hurt on his eyes was enough to cause his own to water. It was a show of weakness he never thought the younger would feel compelled to share with him. 

Hugging him seemed like the best option so he did, hard and trying to transmit all the calm he could manage.

Eric hugged him back, his arms shivering. 

“I wish I could hope for you just this once.”

Jaehyun wanted to tell him to do it. 

Instead, he kissed his neck before saying, “I want to hope for you too.”

_v. Took a minute, but I figured it out; the problem with me is you_

Juyeon’s keys were too loud for such an hour of the day. With a smoke between his teeth, he cursed at the lack of windows in the hallway, grabbing the other key and trying again. 

The click of the lock filled the silence of the early morning, the sun already quite high in the sky only because it was almost summer. There was something strangely calming about this lack of sound, unlike any other. It made Juyeon feel safe instead of feeling alone.

He started humming a song, he wasn’t sure which one, as he closed behind him, the pain on his lower back a welcomed reminder of his fun night. 

As he turned around, he raised his eyebrows, the smoke almost falling from his mouth.

Eric was standing in his living room, shirt half way over his head. He must’ve been in a hurry, considering his state. There were bandages all over his body and his face was covered in band aids. He looked like shit, swollen eyes and messy hair.

“Morning, sunshine. Is this the reason you weren’t answering any of my texts?”

“I—” he stopped himself, finished dressing up and looked at Juyeon. The black haired felt a sting on his heart of pure pity. “Sorry.”

Grabbing his cigarette, he exhaled the smoke while shaking his head and walking closer to the younger. “No worries.”

The air between them was the worse it had ever been but the black haired didn’t let that sour his mood. “Had a fun night?”

Eric, who was fumbling on his back pocket, only looked up once he’d found his characteristic teal package. “No. How about you?”

He nodded at Juyeon’s neck and he couldn’t help but touch at his newest hickey. “Yeah.”

It took the younger a second to light his own cigarette. He didn’t snap the tiny ball but the smell told Juyeon he’d mentholated it beforehand. It hit him that he’d never seen him do it and he wondered if maybe he did it to all of them when he opened the package.

He knew fuck all about Eric but he’d never bothered leaning.

“I’m sorry.”

Now it was Eric’s turn to raise an eyebrow. He wasn’t impressed. The black haired didn’t know why he was apologising either.

“No, you’re not,” the younger stood next to him, looking him directly in the eyes.

Juyeon looked away, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable. He couldn’t breathe properly and it had nothing to do with the smoke. Normal tobacco mixed with menthol like it had done so many times before but it abruptly hit Juyeon how bad they smelled together.

“Hope you had fun with all this,” there was no bitterness behind his words. “I enjoyed parts of it.”

The door smacked behind him and only when Eric was gone could he inhale again.

The sight of Jaehyun did nothing to help his uneasiness.

His housemate was resting against his doorframe, wearing nothing but his boxers. There were no visible marks on his body and there wasn’t much fabric hiding it. The blonde shrugged before walking back inside his room but Juyeon was having none of it.

Following after him was easy, he’s done it a million times.

“I thought I told you to stay the fuck away from him,” his tone came out sounding way too bothered for his liking.

“You did.”

Jaehyun wasn’t looking at him, instead grabbing a pair of joggers and looking around the floor for a shirt.

There was nothing Juyeon could say so he moved instead, kicking the older’s back and pushing him a few centimetres to the front. He didn’t fall but the black haired hadn’t used enough force for him to.

“What the fuck, Juyeon?” His eyes were angry.

“What? Now you care about what I have to say?”

“Stop,” Jaehyun turned again, picking up a white t-shirt. His back was big, bigger than his. They were standing close, closer than usual, but he felt a few kilometres away. Juyeon reached for him, grabbing his arm.

“What, Juyeon? What the fuck do you want? Do you want to fight? I don’t have the energy right now, so leave me the fuck alone.” 

The voice had none of the annoyance Juyeon had seen in him before, instead it was cold and tired, as far as Jaehyun felt. The black haired inhaled quickly, tightening his grip on the blonde’s flesh.

He was looking for something, anything, that told him Jaehyun was still here with him and hadn’t left with Eric though the front door.

The blonde gave up, throwing the piece of clothing on the top of his bed and focusing on the younger. There were black bags underneath his eyes, his skin was paler than usual and when he passed a hand through his hair and sighed, Juyeon broke.

He launched forwards, trying to kiss his lips, trying to get him back.

“Juyeon!”

Jaehyun had pulled back, using his forearm to keep him away. Juyeon could feel his breathing accelerating and he latched again, receiving the same repose.

“No,” the blonde said. He simply looked at him. “NO.”

Juyeon laughed humourlessly.

“So that’s it? You fuck your dream boy once and you throw me away after 6 years?”

“Shut up.”

“No, tell me, was he that good? Was he all you’ve been wet dreaming about? Uhm?” He pushed Jaehyun back. “Tell me, Jae.”

“STOP. JUST STOP.”

The choke would’ve given him away if the tears hadn’t. Juyeon couldn’t remember when was the last time he’d seen the older cry but it wasn’t recent, probably not even in the last year. Jaehyun didn’t cry, it wasn’t something he felt comfortable doing, and he cried in front of him even less.

“Is our life going to be like this forever? Is that what you want? Do you want to fight with me and then fuck for the rest of your life? Do you want to hate me more and more every time we do? I don’t even remember what I liked about you in the first place, Juyeon. I don’t remember why we liked spending so much time together when we were younger. When was the last time you felt like hanging out with me? Watch a movie, maybe grab a pizza?” His voice was normal but the tears kept coming. “I used to love your laugh so much, I thought it was the most beautiful sound I’d ever heard. When was the last time I made you laugh, Ju? When was the last time I made you smile?”

Juyeon wasn’t sure if the nickname was what finally broke him or the truth behind the other words.

“Do you want us to make each other miserable forever?”

Jaehyun was far, far away and suddenly, all Juyeon could think about was Sangyeon, screaming at him, asking him what he was doing. What was he doing? Losing someone that had once been his best friend, that had been there for him on his highest of highs and lowest of lows.

Someone who watched the stupid comedies he liked with him, someone who always let him choose all the ice cream flavours, someone with the driest humour.

Someone who had been most of his firsts and he had always believed would be most of his lasts. Someone who laughed at Spongebob’s stupidest episodes, someone who hated marshmallows, someone who loved the sea. Someone who could play the guitar but hadn’t in years because Jacob had been the one teaching him. Someone who felt empty and bored and didn’t have many hobbies. Someone who had never learned how to be himself without Juyeon there.

Someone he’d taken as a constant and for granted. Someone he’d once loved but now couldn’t even like because he didn’t even know him well enough to be an acquaintance. Someone who did nothing but hurt him, got him angry to the point of exhaustion. 

Someone he loved to fill with torment.

Someone who had made him lose himself.

Someone he’d made lose himself.

A loud sob forced him to cover his mouth. Because Jaehyun was right but Juyeon wasn’t ready to be alone.

The step was short but it felt like an eternity. His arms rose in slow motion, grabbing hard as if that could make the moment last any longer. 

Jaehyun hugged him back, his own wet cheeks staining his exposed shoulder.

None of them say anything else because talking meant saying goodbye. 

Kevin was talking about something but Eric’s mind was somewhere else entirely. Getting used to his father’s house was proving to be way more difficult than he’d anticipated. His wife, a woman he’d met in the US, was very nice, too nice for his mind to fit her into his life. Yet, at least.

Yuri was the happiest he’d ever seen her. It was on their first night at his house, when she’d sneaked into his room to cuddle, that she’d told him she'd been recording most of the stuff she did or scream to them to use as proof on the trial. Eric had called her a mastermind, the most amazing 12 year old he’d ever known, the most intelligent person on the planet and much more. It was only when their father came and politely asked them to tone their conversation down that they decided to finally go to sleep, feeling calm for the first time in 7 years. Eric had never slept that well.

His night with Jaehyun had been close but not quite there.

There was no way he could stop thinking about it, all the feelings it had gotten out of him were too strong to simply let go of. It could’ve been the start of something but Eric had decided he actually cared about himself enough to not do that.

The decision was heavy on his heart even now but both himself and Kevin had told him it was the best he could’ve done. He’d miraculously gotten out of a shit situation, the least he needed was getting himself into another one.

Still, a month was a little short to get over it entirely. Or at all.

Sunwoo smacked his arm and Eric was about to curse at him when his best friend nodded forwards, making the floor fall apart beneath his feet.

Jaehyun was standing in front of him, one hand on his front pocket, one of his cigarette, his brunette hair curly. 

“Hi.”

“Hey.”

“Can we talk?”

Eric nodded, before waving at his friend, who looked a mixture of confused and careful. It was alright, talking was alright.

They took the path towards the canteen but Jaehyun deviated right at the last minute, taking him to an open field instead. The summer air was unbreathable but Eric’s lungs felt the best they had in a long time, his eyes taking in the sight as well as the view that was Jaehyun, completely different but somehow still the same.

The older offered him a cigarette but he shook his head. “I’m trying to quit, my dad isn’t the biggest fan of the smell.”

Without a word, Jaehyun stepped on it, not even halfway smoked, before sitting down beneath a tree. The view was almost comical but Eric didn’t comment on it, taking a seat to his right.

Jaehyun looked at him and Eric remembered his soft touches.

“I’ve been apartment hunting. I signed my lease today.”

Eric nodded. “What does Juyeon think about that?”

“I wouldn’t know, I haven’t talked with him in a month.”

The younger turned around, looking for lies on the other’s face but found none. “Oh.”

Jaehyun shrugged before looking at him, actually looking this time. Their eyes connected and the air changed. “You told me you wish you could hope for me.”

“I did.”

“I hope for you.” There was suddenly no air in the world. “I wanted to tell you that because I’ve decided to actually try to be happy. I don’t know what may happen in the future but, for that, we need to try.”

Eric smiled then, grabbing the teal package from the older’s hand and taking out a cigarette without thinking twice. “I like the sound of that.”

_fin_

**Author's Note:**

> this fic was loosely inspired on love or hate, a conversation with connah and an idea i had inside my head for over two years.
> 
> it was my first time writing something so heavy and trying to make it feel real, i hope it worked. 
> 
> thank you for reading it, kudos and comments are always highly appreciated 
> 
> my [tw](https://twitter.com/starrynyu) | my [cc](https://curiouscat.me/starrynyu)


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